Now that it's Ohio State week, Schembechler Hall feels that it is only right that we all attempt to better understand the psyche of the aliens in our midst: Buckeyes. All week, I will endeavor to help you, the public, understand what kind of sick, twisted, socially malignant people we are dealing with. Though behaviors such as hurling urine at strangers, cheering for the successful spelling of a simple word like "Ohio," glorifying the sousaphone, and getting paid by boosters to attend classes like Don't Get AIDS will never be relatable or palatable to actual humans, it is my hope that by Saturday, we all will have a better understanding of why these troglodytes act as they do.

In part one of of this series, we will take it slow, first getting a sense of whom and what we're dealing with...

When pathetic Buckeyes aren't busy masturbating in the library...

...they're instead busy runing things like music and creativity. What follows is just pathetic, and among other things, it should lead us to question how the penal system in Ohio is being administered--how can all of these mentally challenged convicts have this kind of free time?