[Jazzy music, flashing lights, it's 3 AM and you're on that station that simply says "paid advertising." The announcer comes on the air. He is shouting enthusiastically.]
Tired? Unhappy? Dreaming of a time when it was your birthright to go 8-4 for the right to play an underrated SEC team in Central Florida? Do you wish that there was something, anything, to get you out of your funk?
Well, my name is Beauford Bixel, and I'm here to tell you to cheer up! There's a game to be played this weekend, and it's against the Ohio State Buckeyes! Sure, you may remember them from such pictures as this:
But don't let that get you down. Whoa! - take it easy big fella!
Just because your team is down doesn't mean you have to be! So cheer up my Maize and Blue friend, and let Beauford tell you about this wonderful guide that explains how a Michigan FAN can beat Ohio State - even if his team doesn't! One trip through this beautifully designed, Swedish hand-crafted manual will get you all the information you need to be happy, healthy, and full of zest this upcoming Saturday. You'll learn helpful tips that make you a winner! Tips like:
Eating to fill the void that 9 inevitable losses brings:
And ill-advised hookups:
By using the time-proven methods in this guide, you can still be a winner, even if your team probably isn't! Still not convinced? Listen to these happy customers:
[Man's voice, recorded from a phone]
I bought the Michigan Fan's Guide to Beating Ohio State last year, right after the Appalachian State game. I was in a rough place emotionally - my cat wouldn't even talk at me! I look back at those memories now and laugh, because I'm high as hell, and talking cats are really funny. Thanks, MFGtBOS. Thanks to you, I'm a winner [giggles and a lonely "meow" until the phone clicks dead]
Haha, no problem my friend. Let's hear from another satisfied customer:
[Woman's voice, recorded live]
I bought MFGtBOS in 2005, when I thought there wasn't any hope. After that final Touchdown to Gonzoles, I didn't even flinch! That's because I was already in bed with my Accounting TA. I found my happiness! I also found my way to a nasty infection! Thanks, MFGtBOS!
Now you're probably thinking "I want happiness, but that probably costs a fortune!" Not true! For just 3 easy payments of $29.95 you'll get the guide and one coupon for 15% off of any Old Crow Brand Bourbon 8oz or higher! That's right - just 3 payments $99.95 gets you the guide, plus a coupon to set you on your way to freedom! But I'm not done yet! Order within the next ten minutes, and you'll receive this bonus guide filled with extra tips! Some of the extra's include:
and laughing at fat people:
So that's the guide, the coupon, and the bonus tips and tricks manual for 3 easy payments of $eleventybillion. Don't waste time feeling unhappy, watching DVR'd clips of the Minnesota game. Call 555-OMFGTHISSEASONEFFINGSUCKSIQUITLIFEKTHNXBAI to order now, before you see this smug-ass arrogant slick-as-oil carsalesman face again. Remember, just because your team loses doesn't mean you have to!
*Offer not valid here or anywhere else, and it's probably not a good idea to follow any of these instructions. Especially the part about fat people because, you know, they've got feelings too layered under roll after roll of..aw hell..it is pretty funny. This advertisement is not condoned, nor approved, by MaizenBrew or Sports Blog Nation. We now return you to your regularly scheduled emo programming.