Stuff Golden Domed People Like

"I am never forgetting the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky. In one word he told me secret of success in [blogging]: Plagiarize!" *

Plagiarize. Plagiarize. Plagiarize.

Stuff Golden Domed People Like

Telling You How Hard it was to Get into Notre Dame: Did you have any idea how hard it was to get into Notre Dame? Spend ten minutes at a Notre Dame event and you will. Every Golden Domed person knows about that girl/guy didn't make it into Notre Dame. He/she who spent his/her high school years maintaining a 3.7 GPA, captaining the volleyball/tennis team, feeding the homeless, drafting a workable flat tax, and driving the snakes out of Ireland. He/she didn't make it into Notre Dame. No one knows what happened to him/her. But he/she didn't make it in. Man. And if you look at the admissions standards now, I wouldn't make it in. Wow. Did I mention how hard it was to get in?

Tailgating: Dear holy God. If there's a single aspect of football even the SEC types can learn something about from Golden Domed people it's tailgating. Now before you get all up in arms Gator/Tiger/Wombat/whatever fans, you need to calm down and recognize the facts. Golden Domed People take their tailgating seriously. They set up tailgate kitchens that cover multiple parking spots and compare favorably to a culinary school. Deep fryers. Roasters. Keg-o-rators. Flat screens. Gas Burners. Flat grills. Full bars. Lobster claw omelets. Drinking Kraft Turkey Gravy. More tents than an REI. Drinking a cascade of solo cups full of delicious beer. It's beautiful.

Sure every team's out their share of wealthy/stupid alumni that spent their bonus check/retirement account on a pimped out tailgating bus that makes John Madden sob in his blue, football printed onezie, but the sheer number of tailgating machines in South Bend on game day is staggering. It's even more staggering when you consider Notre Dame's student population is less than half, sometimes three-quarters less than whatever State/Directional/Dead Guy University/College you went to.

As impressive as it is, sometimes they take things a little too far. And you know what happens then...

Losing to Boston College: Traditions evolve over time. One of the new Golden Domed People's evolving traditions is losing to Boston College. In the battle for whom Jesus loves best Golden Domed People have too often come out on the short end of the proverbial bag of silver. The Golden Domed People haven't beaten the Eagles since Eisenhower was president. That part's not true, but Golden Domed People are 0 for 5 against BC since 2001. In the manner in Jesus taught, they have turned the other cheek on this losing streak. The problem is they've continued to turn the rest of their bodies, take their football and walk away from the rivalry, putting BC on notice that their brand o' Catholicism wouldn't see the field at Notre Dame Stadium after 2010. As with all "holy wars" there are many fronts and many ways for Notre Dame to lose to BC. The most recent was a 4-1 loss to those bastards from Boston in the NCAA men's hockey Championship. Over the next few years look for Notre Dame to develop new sports and new methods to torture their fans with inexplicable last second losses to a University with a high school stadium.

Sticking to the Floor: It's not a "bar" at Norte Dame if the floor of said "bar" isn't covered in an adhesive substance strong enough to hold heat resistant paneling on the space shuttle. No matter the bar at Notre Dame, be it the 'Backer or Club 21 or the previously sunken Boat Club, your shoes must be coated in Teflon to keep from being ripped off you feet by the vice grip of the ground. Some fool ince wore flip flops out. They call her "Nubbins" now.

Irony: Priceless. Simply Priceless.

Loving the Dorms: Dorm life is a central part of the Golden Domed People's culture. If you sit with a group of Golden Domed People for five minutes, invariably the conversation will turn to what hall they lived in, what hall sports teams they didn't make the cut for, and how awesome the parties were at Fisher, Dillon, Carroll, etc... It doesn't stop after freshman year either. They live there for all five years. They'll fight tooth and nail to live in the dorms one more year. The fact that the surrounding town was used as the backdrop for the filming of "The Grapes of Wrath" and "Training Day" might have something to do with it.

Flip Cup: There are numerous annoying tendencies Golden Domed people share, but their affection for the drinking game "flip cup" is at the top of the list. Flip Cup is a staple in all abuse of alcohol in South Bend. Golden Domed people take it seriously. There are teams, rankings, and playoff schedules. Only Notre Dame could screw up drinking. Back in my day we simply played "Drink the Beer." If you won, you got another beer. When did flipping a plastic cup become a part of drinking? Walk by any Golden Domed Person's tailgate, party, Tuesday in the library. Flip Cup. On the plus side, bringing small bag of plastic cups and suggesting to Golden Domed People that you play flip cup will result in free beer.

Chicago: Just like monkeys in Brazil, Golden Domed People are drawn to large municipalities. Chicago in particularly. Every graduate of Notre Dame is required as a condition of admission to be either from Chicago or live there for a minimum period of five years post graduation. Walking around the streets of Chicago you can't throw a hot dog at Wrigley Field without getting some mustard on a Golden Domed Person's dirty baseball cap.


Admission Requirement

Reliving the Past: Golden Domed People love the past. They love talking about the past. They love believing it's relevant. The 1940's kicked ass. Did you know seven Golden Domed People have won the Heisman? Rudy? Echoes? 1988? Anyone? Nothing will endear you to a Golden Domed Person quicker than referring to the "Gipper" or "the Rock" even if you have no idea what those things mean. An important note, do not talk about the present. Under no circumstances should you mention that Golden Domed People have lost their last 9 bowl games. The present has no business in present. Speak only of the past.

Pretending to Care About Sports Other Than Football: Golden Domed People care only about one thing: football. However, due to Title IX and other communist activity in the 1960's, Notre Dame was forced to add additional sports that were not football. Golden Domed People have grown to accept these other sports as a necessary accessory to the football program but little else. Despite this they will feign interest in these other sports to outsiders. They will tell you how great the basketball/hockey/baseball/women's water polo team is at the drop of the a hat. Some of them may even know where the basketball/hockey/baseball stadium is. But don't press for too much information, Golden Domed People don't know much about their other teams past two names.

Money: Money is one of the hallmarks of the Golden Domed People as a whole. Notre Dame itself has an endowment that would make the Sultan of Brunei envious. $100 million for a new building? No problem. Reroute the main street the runs parallel to the football stadium without state funding? Ha! State funding. That's a good one. The bathrooms in the administrative building features toilet paper made out of fifties and bottled water to wash your hands? Why bottled water? Because it costs more.

Returning to Glory: 3-9 last year? Kiss my ass. Notre Dame's winning the national championship this year.

* For those of you old enough to remember, the great humorist Tom Lehrer, once performed a song about the Russian mathematician Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky. In it, he sums up how we, the noble blogger, provide you with humor and wasted work hours.

Plagiarize,
Let no one else's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
So don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize...

Only be sure always to call it please, 'research'."

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