Michigan Basketball to Replace Strength and Conditioning Coach with Hair Stylist Paulo

Ann Arbor (AP) - With the recent resignation of the University of Michigan's Men Basketball strength and conditioning coach Mike Curtis, the basketball program has decided to go a different direction. Instead of opening a country wide search to retain a new, upper level S & C coach for the program's growth and development, Michigan has hired Paulo, decorated stylist and personal grooming specialist from the haute New York studio Product.

"Oh. My. Gawd." Paulo stated at his Crisler Press Conference. "This is such an exciting day for me as a person, personally. Michigan was once the Mecca of basketball style and fashion, but now, the hair cuts; the black socks on pasty white boys. No honey. I promise you, that's agonnastopri'now."

"I mean seriously, sweetie, what is with the Indiana boys? Really? They can spend days launching three pointers but they can't spend ten minutes getting a good hair cut? Zackary Novak, I'm looking at yoooouuuuu. That Mr. Spock thing you've got going on? G-O-N-E, honey. You're gonna look good inside and outside the arc. When I see this team they're soft. Only Peedi's got his game tight an' right. Manny, Gibson, Stu, all y'all. Get ready, because tomorrow the clippers are comin, and they're not bringing NBA Contracts."

Bill Martin said he was excited about the direction the program was taking. "When you think style on the court, you think Michigan. When a group of kids that I can't mention by name were here during a period of time I'm not at liberty to discuss on the record unless you're donanting a building, everyone in the country turned to Michigan for our swagger. Our style. Baggy shorts? Michigan. The death of the High Top fade? Yeah, Michigan. Keeping that dome tight? Maize n Blue, baby. We changed the look of the game. Respek."

"What we're doing, what we're hoping to do by bringing in Paulo is to give Michigan back its style. To be fresh and cutting edge again. If people holla at the way we roll on the court, then maybe they won't notice we don't have a practice facility yet or that Crisler's 167 years old. Wait... don't print that."

Several of the players were excited about the new addition to the staff. "Paulo? Are you ----ing kidding me?" Was the unanimous reaction, followed by grumbling about a practice facility. But they're excited, at least that's what they tell us.

"I'm going to work these boys over." Paulo continued. "And not in that nasty way you pervs are thinking. We're going to get down to business and clean these boys up. Manny, you're next on my list, and you need to make a decision. Are you fro'ing or not? You need to commit. There is no 15 foot jumper on that hair style honey. You either drive and dunk or drop a trey. You go Dr. J or Denzel. Don't laugh. Where do you think the Knicks went to get hooked up? My chair, gumdrop. So make your decision, because you've got to commit!"

Coach Beilein could not be reached for comment.