Zoltan Mesko Named to Playboy All-America Team, US Soccer Anticipates Greatest Team Ever in 20 Years

Zoltan the Inconceivable will add even more fine woman-pelt to his already  mind-boggling collection following his inclusion on the 2009 Playboy Pre-Season All America Team.

Though rightfully included, Hef must be completely out of his mind. You cannot allow the Space Emperor within a country mile of the Playboy Mansion. To quote Office Space (and life, really), "chicks dig dudes with money." Now multiply that times one million trillion million to equate for "chicks dig the Ruler of the Known Universe." There is a reason Galactus and Unicron stay the fuck away from Earth, his name is Zoltan. (At right: Zoltan kicking Galactus in the jewels)

So when you place a man, ney, the Emperor around a bevie of scantily clad, well trimmed beauties, you have assured yourself that in three weeks you will be unable to airbrush away the results of Zoltan's visit from their midsections. I mean the cost benefit of this makes little sense. Playboy's hurting already, Zoltan's visit will put them out of business. And it's not like they'll get back to normal afterward; there's a fair chance that the spawn of Zoltan will kick out their own c-sections.

On the plus side, 20 years from Zoltan's visit to the mansion the US Soccer team will enter into an era of international dominance that will see its unbeaten streak last seven World Cups and result in disqualification of any player who is deemed to be a "bearer of Zoltan's seed" on the basis of said liniage being an unfair competitive advantage. I mean what are you going to do when the US goalie scores six goals from his own goal line in the first 20 minutes of a match? You cease to call it a sport or you make up new rules.

In the meantime, Space Emperor, we salute you and your soon to be cadre of Zoltan 2.0. All Hail!