On Tap: Your Friday Drinking Instructions Are Coming! Flee If You Value Your Lives!

[Ahhhh, beer. It is one of the few truly unifying things in life. Beer is a happy beverage. It brings together east coast rap and west coast rap, Iowa fan and Michigan fan, and even a Harvard professor and a cop. It is also what brought Kyle McCann't into our midst. Be he an Iowa fan, it was with great trepidation that I anticipated his weekly Friday Drinking Instructions today. After reading them, I was rightfully concerned. Not because of an anti-Michigan vitriol that I expected, but because of the aptly-named, hangover in a bottle he chose for this week's YFDI.

I knew this day would come, Kyle. The day our two teams met and our niceties would be thrown out the window. But I will not ask you to change. Nor will I stifle your voice. What I will say is that my good friend has put up a rather pro-Iowa YFDI. And this being a Michigan centric blog, I will allow you, dear reader to decide whether to continue on after the jump for your drinking instructions with a healthy helping of pro Iowa bias.

We will not stifle the creative process here and Maize n Brew. We pride ourselves on opposing view points and having fun with our opponents. You don't have to look too far for that. But we will remain loyal Michigan fans. Enjoy your moment Kyle. I hope your whole teams contracts syphilis and dysentery before the game. Remember to wipe thoroughly and enjoy the curb stomping Michigan will undoubtedly deliver to your beloved Hawkeyes. - Maize n Brew Dave]

Dave, immediately after finishing his disclaimer

Earlier this summer, when Dave asked us to take the reigns of this weekly installment we were excited but cautious; on one hand we would be given a platform to spread the word on beers we love, a noble enterprise to be sure.  However, there would be no denying that, while far from our most hated rival (Purdue, duh?), Michigan and all things related to it are generally considered unsavory amongst our Iowa brethren.  Up to this point it has been easy enough to make recommendations while steering clear of taking shots at Michigan...nearly as easy as taking shots down the field at Michigan, heyooo!  Today those niceties end.  

Drinking Instructions and way too much Iowa-eese after the jump.

Today we wish your Wolverines the fate of being trampled underfoot by the invading Iowa hoards, for your defenders' bones to be picked clean by our pass offense and for their femurs to be used as hair-curlers by our women.  We predict your all-everything quarterback will be broken and inserted into a giant-sized hamster wheel to be placed in the Iowa trainer's room for Hawkeye defenders' amusement, that your defensive coordinator's head will be severed, hollowed-out and used as a spittoon by Iowa defensive coordinator, Norm Parker (an exponential increase in usefulness as far as TEH GERG is concerned), and that the stench of failure will so intensely permeate everything in Michigan Stadium that the newly-renovated structure will be razed hours after the game.  To this end, YFDI present are forcing you to consume, from Scotland's Orkney Islands, Skull Splitter Scotch Ale:

Hey!  Karl Klug's on a beer label! 

Much like the Iowa D, Skull Splitter won't mess around with you so much as it will mess you up.  There's no frilly hop presence here with their aromas of flowers and juicy-fruit citrus melange with flavors reminiscent of childhood summers spent frolicking in orchards.  This is a dastardly dark and heavy, malt-forward brew that dispenses with "hints" of anything and comes up to your face yelling, "I  taste like peat and mead and death!" <face-punch, spit, rib kick>  The Viking on the label isn't a mistake; this beer rapes your mouth, pillages your brain cells and burns your intestines.  In fact, if the you choose to take Clayborn Skull Splitter lightly there's a good chance it consumes you.

If I weren't cutting back on empty carbs I would devour you as so many who have come before.

Friends, enemies, frienemies, these are your drinking instructions. They are inevitable.  We suggest you accept your fate and face the inescapable wreckage to be left in their wake. Go forth and drink and pray to Odin that your demise will be swift for it shall not be merciful...and please, no crying, it's distasteful (actually, here's betting it will be sweet)