Notorious D.LAN.E. Talks Big Ten Logos, Divisions, the Life of a Balla

Language warning: Thar be naughty words herein. Funny words too.

/Scene: Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany approaches the microphone for his weekly news conference. Plagued by questions about the Big Ten's new logos and Division names, he has prepared a statement. A statement no one in the room will ever forget. Stepping onto the podium Delany is noticeably fatter, dressed in a black peacoat, black cargo pants, and a black cabbie hat tilted to the side. He grabs the mic with his right hand and the lights dim, this plays over the speakers...../

Yeah.

This rhyme is dedicated to Paul Finebaum and you bloggers who never thought Big Ten'd amount to nothing. To all the haters who complained about the division names and called the beat writers on me when I was just trying make some money to feed my conference. To all the commissioners that are struggling...

It's all good babybaby.....

It was all a dream

There used to be eleven teams

Add Penn St in 89, to complete the scheme

Back when CU won it all
Michigan Notre Dame, they meant sumthin every fall

Ohio State stopped, watchin’ Iowa gettin rocked

Reaganomics in effect, making money off my stocks

Way back, when I had blue and black on my back
With the shorts to match 

Remember the Old Big XII? I put their nuts in a jar

You never thought that Jimmy D would take it this far

I ain’t goin light, you know that ain’t right

Dan Beebe got played, Big Ten gettin mad paid

Pocket getting fatter, honeys making chatter

Big Ten’s the shit yo' conference doesn’t matter

Peace to Joe P, Marky D, Jimmy Tress

Pack your bags fools Big Ten’s moving west

BTN cashing in like I said it would

Expand more? Bring Rutgers in the hood

It’s all good....

Chorus:

You know very well who you are
Don't let em hold you down, reach for the stars
You had a goal, but not that many
'cause you're the only one I'll give you good and plenty
 

I made the change from a Conference weak
To a Dreadnought with big mystique

But I don’t hear a peep, you’re glued to everythin I say
Rose Bowl, it's the Big Ten Way

Rucker and DJK keep me pissy
For parole they tried to list me
Now they know Jimmy D got no sympathy
I knew this would happen, this Big Ten stuff
I didn't take this job for resume fluff 
Now with Nebraska in the fold it's me they toast
Spread from Happy Valley out to the Bass Boats

Volleyball on the screen, Network makin bank

Presidents know it's me they gotta thank 
New logo on the scene 
Love it or hate it baby blue's gonna gleam 
I put butts in your seats, I book rooms at your Hyatt
I send Purdue to the Pizza Bowl, make Detroit riot
Stereotypes of division names misunderstood
And it's still all good

Chorus:
You know very well who you are
Don't let em hold you down, reach for the stars
You had a goal, but not that many
'cause you're the only one I'll give you good and plenty

Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis
All of the Pundits, man they couldn't picture this
Championship game, 12 teams and a trophy
BCS Bids, SEC you can blow me
If you wanna come north better bring your heater
Jimmy D makes the cheddar by pimping Velveeta
And you know I ain't done
Jimmy D wants it all, so you bitches better run 
Y'all know the Big Ten's back 
Rose and Sugar, now we on the attack
When I started out they called me a loon 
Now I won't stop 'till I got a school on the moon
I used to fuss when the media dissed us
No love, wonder why bowl games missed us
New Years days was the worst days
Now we roll in gold every Thursday 

Damn right I like the life I live
'Cause I went from negative to positive
And it's all...

It's all good...

/drops mic on the floor, walks out of room. Fade to black./

/fin/