ON TAP: Your Friday Drinking Instructions CUBED


It's Friday, finally, and Dave's stuck somewhere with only phone Internet access. HORRORS.  And to think, just a few years ago I was scrambling to find an ethernet cable to plug my Dell Desktop into the highspeed jack on a college campus.  Now we have internets on our phones.  And we complain about it.  NOT GOODT ENOUGH.

SPEAKING OF COLLEGE, it's my humble opinion that this space has spend ENTIRELY too much time on the more delicious, and therefore more expensive brews available.  Ah how I LONG for the heady days of foregoing taste completely in favor of sheer volume.  And what days they were!  Indiscriminately grabbing ice cold cans of whatever the hell floated to the top of an 80 gallon cooler; more than likely spilling the contents down the front of your shirt, opening a beer, forgetting you opened it, and grabbing another one because, hey, 30 cents a can.  Can you play beer-pong with your doppleganger omabock single-malt brew?  Probably.  IF YOU'RE WARREN BUFFET.  So today, my dear friends, we go for the cheap.  We go for the beer-cube.

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via gecatalogimages.meijer.com


30 beers.  $10.00.  No wasting time.  Bud Light?  Too classy for this post.  They only come in 24's.  I want a little more filth to my cube, please.  The following list is by no means definitive, but serves as as starting point:

Busch Lite

Milwaukee's Best

Miller High Life

Natural Light

Natural Ice

Keystone Light

Now then, Mr. Smarty Pants, I know what you're about to say. I know because I've read the same things you have.  "But these have less % alcohol so you're actually getting less drunk and filling up on water."  I know - I get the math, I went to college. WHERE DO YOU THINK I LEARNED TO DRINK NATURAL ICE?  I think I'll take my drinking advice from those enrolled in our nation's finest institutions of higher learning.  Besides, you know what 3 layers of 10 beers each gets you?  30 beers.  For the cost of one of your 10% alcohol by volume bottle of German pee-brew.  Where'd you go?  University of Phoenix?  I THOUGHT SO.  In addition to being voluminous, the 30 pack serves many other functions in and around the house.  BONUS CAT CARRIER:

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via redneckhumor.com

BONUS SUIT OF ARMOR:

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via bitcast-a.v1.o1.sjc1.bitgravity.com



While admittedly going for volume, there is a certain pallet required for the cheapest of the cheap.  I myself tend towards Busch Lite as the tastiest of these cubes, but you may differ.  Comments, please, are welcome, but if I get one whiff of snooty beer in the comments (I'm looking at you, Kyle McCann't) I will e-slap you with my college degree, which is in a rich mahogany frame that has netted me next to nothing except a weakened liver, and the ability to multiply 10 by 3.  Perhaps one day, I will know the riches that were promised me when I enrolled, and I too will be playing beer pong with Spotted-Dog-Royal-IPA-Heffe-Hitler beer with Warren Buffet.

So this weekend, go out to your local package store and shed yourself of those extra 5-15 years you've been carrying around (or, if currently in college, go, um, do what you would normally do on a Friday night).  Procure yourself a cube of America's finest, and drink about 15 of them in the sun.  Remember how it tastes, because that, my friends, is the taste of youth*, which for my money - all $10.99 of it - is the best taste of all.

* Taste of Youth has exactly a 13 hour window at which point the youth part will abandon you, and you will realize that you're instead old, fat, sunburned, and likely hung over. 

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via 1.bp.blogspot.com


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