The Rumormill: The Big XII to Pac-10 Expansion Rumors Take Us Back to High School

This stuff is getting silly. Someone heard this. Someone thinks that. The expansion discussion is largely being driven by people who don't have a clue what they're talking about (i.e., reporters). It's gotten so bad that even Athletic Directors are getting confused and/or are talking like they've got tourettes. It's just like high school. So how would this play out, you know, if this was in high school? Well, we've got your answer (along with too much time on our hands). Behold, college football expansion rumors, high school style.

Language warning: Every now and then we use naughty words on this site. This is one of those times.

Scene: It's lunchtime at College Football High School. And at CFHS, everyone eats together. Except for those short bus kids from the Sun Belt. They eat in a Teflon covered room and are only allowed to use spoons for safety's sake. But CFHS is not unlike any other High School in America, all the groups stick together. The Big Ten, PAC-10, SEC, ACC, and Big East all sit apart from one another at separate tables, telling each other how crappy the other tables are. Over by one of the windows we join Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Texas Tech, all gussied up in their cheerleader uniforms, sitting down to lunch. As they get seated, their fellow cheerleader Colorado come running up....

Texas: A&M, you're such a whore.

A&M: Eat me bitch, you got lucky. I'll be captain nex.....

Colorado: Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod!

Oklahoma: What?

Colorado: You guys are. Not. Going. To. Believethisss.

Texas Tech: What!?

Colorado: Omigod! /almost faints from hyperventilating/

Texas: Bitch if you don't tell me what the fuck you're talking about I'm going to punch you in your ovaries.

/Oklahoma and Oklahoma State roll their eyes, but silently agree with Texas/

Colorado: Alright. Ready? I just heard that the six of us are totally going to be invited out by... wait for it.... the Pac-10! /squeals/

Texas Tech: Ohmigod! NO WAY!

Colorado: Yeah! It's totally true. We're all getting invites. No more of this Big XII bullshit. And the best part is the PAC-10 guys are totally RICH!!

Oklahoma State: Thank God, I'm sick of hanging out with you bitches every Saturday. It's almost like someone makes us all hang out together, all the time. /glares at Texas/

Texas: Whatever, Colorado.

Colorado: What!? You're not excited?

Texas: Why should I be? I totally dated the PAC-10 a few years ago, but they're lahoosers. I could've gone steady with the PAC-10, or I could hang out with my girls. I totally chose you guys. /smiles fakest of all smiles/

Texas Tech: Don't give us that line of bullshit. They dumped your ass after they found out your were stuffing your revenues bra.

Texas: Fuck you, Tech. I totally dumped them. You're just pissed off that you wouldn't even be in the flag corps much less a Big XII member Cheerleader if you weren't my cousin, so deal with it. And while you're at it, get me a Diet Coke, bitch.

Texas Tech: /grumbles, goes to get Diet Coke, intends to spit in it first/

Oklahoma: So where did you hear about this? Spill it.

Colorado: I heard it from that guy! /points to unathletic CFHS newspaper geek/

A&M: From HIM!?

Oklahoma: Just from him? Are you fucking kidding me? He doesn't know anything. That asshole told everyone I lost my head coach virginity to Notre Dame this summer. That's your source!?

Colorado: Calm down Oklahoma, it's not just him. Everyone's talking about it. I heard from people who were hanging out with the PAC-10 all week that this is totally going to happen.

Oklahoma State: Oh christ... here comes Iowa State.

/Iowa State rolls up in motorized wheelchair, dressed in cheerleader uniform/

Iowa State: /voice box crackles/ WHAT'S THIS CRAP I HEAR ABOUT YOU BITCHES GOING OUT WITH THE PAC-10? WHY DO I HAVE TO HEAR THIS FROM TEDDY GREENSTEIN? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. /static/

Colorado: Calm down Iowa State, we just found out about it. Sorry they didn't invite you to party.

Iowa State: I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE CHEERLEADING TEAM? /squak/

Texas: Nothing's going to happen to the cheerleading team Iowa State. No one is going to party with the PAC-10.

Colorado: WHAT!?

Texas: I've told you before, my Dad owns a dealership, and if you bitches want to have a nice car to drive around in and cool parties to go to, you're doing what I want.

Oklahoma: Whatever... /gazes off into the distance, wishes she were somewhere, anywhere else/

Oklahoma State: You know you're not the only one with money Texas. My Uncle Pickens left me some money too. I can get my own car.

Texas: Ha! A lot of good it's done you to. Even with the new practice facility boob job the best you can do is the Holiday Bowl. Ever think that if you weren't hanging out with me you wouldn't even get invited there? You were popular for a minute, but when everyone found out the twins were plastic it all went away, didn't it.

Oklahoma State: I hate you. /fights back tears/

Colorado: You're not ruining this for me Texas. I'm doing whatever I want.

Texas: Fine. Do what you want. But when you come back here trying to be friends, smelling like salmon and wear cords made out of hemp, don't think we're going to talk with you.

Iowa State: /chirp/ I KNEW WE'D ALL BE FRIENDS FOR EVER.

/Nebraska and Missouri, also in their cheerleading outfits, walk by with the Big Ten talking and giggling/

Nebraska: Hi everyone! We'll see you a practice. /Missouri waves, continues walking/

Iowa State: HI IOWA. YOU GOING TO CALL ME THIS WEEKEND? /crackle/

/Iowa shields face with hand, all his Big Ten friends laugh at him/

/Iowa State turns her wheelchair back to the table/

Iowa State: HE'S MY COUSIN. EVERY NOW AND THEN HE GETS DRUNK AND HE LETS ME MAKE OUT WITH HIM.

Colorado: Oh MY GOD, Iowa State. Shut up!

Iowa State: HEY COLORADO, REMEMBER BACK IN 2007 WHEN WE MADE OUT!?

Colorado: SHUT UP!

Iowa State: HA HA HA HA HA. I OWN YOU BITCH.

Oklahoma State: So what's up with Nebraska and Missouri hanging out with those Big Ten guys?

A&M: Oh my God, it's like Missouri can't get enough of them. All Missouri does is talk about how great the Big Ten is. All the Big Ten would have to do is say "Big Ten Network" "boo" and her legs would be in the air.

Texas Tech: Not like Nebraska's any different. Nebraska asked me what kind of thong is easiest to get out of. If the Big Ten asks, we'll never see those two again.

Texas: I don't like the Big Ten. A few years ago I thought we were friends but they totally blew me off. Now that my revenues boobs are big, they're all over me again.

A&M: It all comes back to you, doesn't it?

Texas: You got something to say, bitch?

A&M: Yeah, I do. I've been talking with the SEC and I don't need this shit anymore.

Oklahoma: /in heaviest possible sarcasm/ You're going with the SEC?

A&M: That's right. Hi honey! /waves/

/SEC continues eating lunch, carries on as if crickets are chirping/

A&M: See, we're totally steady.

Oklahoma State: You're an idiot.

Texas: Oh jesus, is Kansas trying to sell test answers again?

/Kansas, seeing a teacher, quickly sits down at the Big XII table/

Kansas: Hey everyone, what's going on?

A&M: What the hell's the matter with you? Aren't you in enough trouble already?

Kansas: What are you talking about? I'm just supplying study supplements. There's nothing wrong with that.

Oklahoma: If by "study supplements" you mean the actual test key, then yes, there is something wrong with that.

Texas Tech: Look, just because you'll sell your panties to anyone with a dollar fifty doesn't mean you can do it. We've got reputations to keep here.

/whole table giggles/

Iowa State: HA HA HA HA

Colorado: I hate you Kansas. I can't wait to start hanging out with the PAC-10 so I never have to see your ass again.

Kansas: Yeah, I heard about that. Let me ask you a simple question, genius. Have you actually talked to anyone in the PAC-10 about this?

Colorado: Well... um... no.

Kansas: You're an idiot. And you're stuck with me bitch.

/fin/

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