Trolling the Depths of Sorrow: A Look Around the Emotional States of College Football's Bottom Quarter Through the First Quarter of the Season

Wednesday's are tough for everyone. There's really not a lot to report on. Unless someone's driven into a tree, or had a little too much to drink, you're not going to get anything on your team until Thursday or Friday. And by that time you're so consumed with pre-game previews that you forget what a wasteland Wednesday is.

Howeva... while there isn't any real newsout there, we can take a look around the league and point to the less fortunate members of the FBS and say "There but for the Grace of God, go us." So let's Troll the Depths of Sorrow, see who's feeling pain, sorrow, remorse, anger, and basically getting flogged by the ever malevolent college football god, Kuthu, who's singular pleasure is dispensing disproportionate levels of smitiness to college football programs and their fanbases for whatever reason she sees fit. Believe it or not, sometimes she tires of smiting Michigan's secondary or Iowa's Running backs and ventures out into the wider world to ruin everyone else's fall. Here's her scorecard so far.

The ACC

North Carolina Tar Heels - Sitting at 0-2 after the vast majority of ACC pundits picked the Tarheels to compete for an ACC division crown is something no one could have predicted. At least not until half of the teams starters started posting photos of themselves in da club with bottles of Dom and the receipts from their nights out. Kuthu is very unforgiving of stupidity. Very, very unforgiving. As a result, UNC went without it's starting defense for their first two games, and they'll be without most of their key playmakers for game three against 2-0 Rutgers. Current Emotional State: Denial. The Tarheels lost their first two games by identical 30-24 scores, engendering a sense that "if they can just get over that hill" things will be okay. No they won't. After that first hill is a bigger hill, and there's a valley full of pythons between you and the next hill. But you came close last time. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Virginia Tech Hokies - Reverse the two games played by VT, in terms of week played, and you've got Michigan 2007. the only caveat is that JMU controlled their game and the Tech should've won the Boise game. Despite these dual indignities, the Hokies seem determined to claw their way out of the abyss. Much like Spawn, the Hokies have died and returned a horrific wraith in the shell of their former selves. Following the inexplicable loss to JMU, Tech returned to demolish East Carolina 49-27. Next up is BC, which somewhat fitting, as the it will be Jesuits against the risen hellspawn. Current Emotional State: Vengeful. The Hokies have died, so death no longer scares them. They will continue on their path of vengeance because it's the only thing that keeps them from remembering why they died in the first place.

Independents

Notre Dame Fighting Irish - At some point this ends well, doesn't it? No. Probably not. After an off season of hope the Irish have had their hearts ripped out twice this season in the closing minutes of a game. They've lost two straight to traditional rivals, their defense is giving up gobs of yards, their head coach seems a little over his head, and their schedule doesn't get easier until October 16th when Western Michigan comes to town. This weekend the Irish welcome Jim Harbaugh's Stanford Cardinal to South Bend with the knowledge that Harbaugh not only will have no compunction about running up the score (if possible), but will happily tinkle on the Golden Dome if given the opportunity. With two more rivals in Boston College and Pitt waiting in the wings to kick the Irish in the junk, even the legendarily optimistic Irish fans are starting sag their shoulders and prepare themselves for the potential anguish to come. Current Emotional State: Resigned to the Cruel Fate that awaits them. Three games in is far too early to write off the Irish hopes for a bowl season, but going into the next few weeks the potential for immense pain is hard to ignore. It's almost like being in a prison towards the end of the Inquisition. You know it'll end at some point. Hell, it might even end tomorrow and you'll go free. But you know that odds are they'll get to you before they open the prison doors for good.

 

The Big XII

Kansas Jayhawks - If there is a more schizophrenic team in College Football right now, I am at a total loss to name it. They only score three points against a D1-AA team and lose. Then they drop 28 on then #15 Georgia Tech in a win. Then they can only muster 16 points in a 31-16 loss to a Southern Mississippi team that was hammeredby South Carolina. So who they hell knows what's going to happen when the worst team in the FBS, New Mexico State, comes to town this weekend. Current Emotional State: Bi-Polar. Yeah. Like I need to explain this.

Big East

Connecticut Huskies - Wait. What happened? Weren't we supposed to be good this year? Three weeks into the season Huskie fans were sure they'd be at least 2-1, if not 3-0. But an opening day loss to Michigan followed by a blow out of some FCS school, put the Huskies in position to come out of the first quarter of the season in good shape. Then a large bus full of Pudding Pops splattered the furballs all over the road. The Temple Fighting Cosbies put up 16 fourth quarter points to stun the Huskies in Philly, and left UConn on the wrong side of the .500 marker. Current Emotional State: Dazed and Confused.Something happened. Why am I bleeding from the head? Where are my pants? And how the hell did I end up in a tub full of ice in Juarez? Oh jesus.....

Louisville Cardinals - Okay, what the hell is going on? We outgained Orgeon State 453-319, were 7-15 on 3rd downs and lost!? Oh yeah. We did turn the ball over twice, but COM'on! Life has not been kind to the Cardinals since the midway point of the decade. At one point the Cardinals are on target for a MNC berth, next thing you know they're getting waxed by Kentucky. At Home. A string of bad hires hasn't help matters but you have to think poor Arkansas State is walking into a buzzsaw on Saturday. Current Emotional State: Madder than hell and looking for someone to take it out on. Preferably someone smaller than them.

SEC

Ole Miss Akbars Rebels - Look. You allowed Jeremiah Massoli on to your team when Oregon... OREGON... kicked his ass off their team for stealing! Oh, Nutt... your hubris is both entertaining and angering to Kuthu. You will now suffer the indignities of a thousand midget kicks, starting with losses to D1-AA Jacksonville State and D1-AA Vanderbilt. Current Emotional State: Fear. Kuthu is not pleased. Don't think for a second this is over.

Tennessee Volunteers - Really, they ask, what have we done to deserve this? Was it all the Peyton Manning worship? We're sorry. We'll tear down his statue, promise. (/prays to giant altar of Manning holding the the Heisman trophy Peyton should've won, y'all/).

/Kuthu commands Oregon to drop 48 on the Vols in Neyland/

Dude! We're sorry! Please stop. I told you, we'll tear down the Peyton Statue. /crosses fingers/

/Kuthu commands Florida to curb stomp Vols 31-17 despite Florida's incompetence/

Dude!..... continues ad nauseum.

Current Emotional State: Kiffin'd. And it takes a loooooooooong time for that to wear off.

Georgia Bulldogs - I'm fluxumed by this one. One game they can't score. The next they can't stop anyone. their best player is selling jerseys to people. Well... at least he's not selling stolen computers. Mark Ritch is looking at an early season showdown with... Mississippi State? Yeah, the duel of the Bulldogs hits on Saturday and a loss to the otherBulldogs may send an already reeling Bulldawg nation into a tizzy. Thankfully, our old buddy T. Kyle is keeping things orderlyand reminding people that the sky is still firmly in place. Still, this isn't the kind of start anyone could've predicted. Current Emotional State: Confused. We're going to alright, right?

PAC-10

UCLA Bruins - After a stunning loss to Kansas State on the road and an absolute shellacking at the hands of the Harbaugh the Horrible, it wouldn't be hard for Bruins fans to start getting anxious or mad. I mean after 10 years of this crap you've kinda earned the right to be ornery. To the contrary, UCLA got it's defense on and thumped #23 Houston and it's star quarterback Casey Keenum. So things are pointing up right? Maybe. But the 118th ranked passing attack the Bruins are sporting ain't going to do them any favors. Current Emotional State: Guardedly Optimistic.

Washington Huskies - Heisman hopes? Dashed. Defense? Torched. Next game? USC. Sure Sark's Huskies will put up some points against the Trojans' awful defense, but Washington's 101st ranked defense doesn't look like it's got the horses to stop Kiffinykins either.  Current Emotional State: Crippling Pain.

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