Highly/lowly/noly touted Recruit X steps out of his plane/car/horse drawn buggy in front of Schembechler Hall. In front of him he sees the head of a large, obviously excited man and what appears to be a small mountain of dreadlocks trudging through the four feet of snow toward him. The immense body heat from the large man quickly burns off the surrounding snow to reveal Michigan Football Head Coach Brady Hoke and star quarterback Denard Robinson standing before him, welcoming him.
Hey Recruit X, so glad you could make it here. This is awesome! You're a tough guy! I can tell. Tough guys like this kinda stuff!
/points to mountain of snow covering the area like a down comforter/
This is awesome right!?
I dunno coach. I've never seen snow like this. It's kinda scary. We don't even have snow in Florida/Texas/Madagascar. Maybe this trip wasn't such a....
wait... what was I saying? Where am I?
/still dazed/ Yeah coach. Totally stoked.
/Group enters Schembechler Hall/
Do they bite?
Oh.... ok.... /hangs coat up, wearily watching sled dogs and what appears to be a full grown artic wolf/
/The world's most beautiful man turns into the Hall, walking towards the exit. It's Tom Brady. Trumpets play and flowers bloom under his feet/
/Denard and Brady engage in an intricate hand shake that ultimately results in backflips, a partial dance off, and birds appearing from their hands as if by magic/
Let me tell you something Recruit X, we're thrilled to have Coach Hoke back as our head coach. Did you know he recruited me to Michigan. That's right. If Coach Hoke's recruiting you, you could be just like me. Probably not. But you could be. Maybe. See these? /flashes three hubcab sized Super Bowl rings/ Don't look at them too closely, they'll blind you. I learned how to wear these here, winning Big Ten titles. You want that don't you?
/nods head/ .......
/Brady puts on a gold plated jet pack with a Michigan "M" emblazoned on the back in what appear to be sapphires, and jets off into the morning sky/
/obviously in shock/ .... He.... He knows my name... ?
Tom's a hell of a guy. He was just here to congratulate me on the job and tell Dave Brandon how tremendous it is that I'm back. He's like that. Knows everyone's name. Kinda spooky really. But enough of that. Let's show you the weight room!
/they walk down the hall, passing a janitor/
Wait... I know that guy....
That guy, the one mopping the floor.
Oh, you mean Henson? Yeah. Tom asked us to hire him. Real nice of him too. Been here mopping and cleaning urinals for the last few years. /whispers/ Don't ever cross Tom Brady. /glances back at Henson as he scrapes gum off the floor/ Com'on, to the weight room.
/Doors open to a palacial weight room that stretches on like the deck of an aircraft carrier/
WOW! This is bigger than my town/juvie hall/place of worship (Texas only). It's amazing.
This is as good as it gets Recruit X. We're on the cutting edge of every conceivable weight and strength training technique. Here's where we bust out power squats, olympic training, belly slapping... over here is where Coach Barwis used to train for the Kumate before he left Michigan. Did you know two years ago at the Kumate he kill....
/yelling and screaming/
What the hell was that?
/Opens training room door to reveal a shirtless and yelling Cam Gordon surrounded by what appear to be Japanese senseis alternating turns slapping him in the abs with bamboo canes/
Oh. Hey coach.
Just getting my ab workout on. Gotta be TOUGH!
/largest of the senseis brings the cane down hard on Gordon's stomach, which snaps the bamboo shoot/
YES! DO IT AGAIN!
/trio leaves the room as Gordon resumes his exercises, yelling/
Facilities? As in the plural?
/Hoke glances at Denard and sees him shaking his head disapprovingly/
ahem. You're a bright guy, Recuit X. That's right. Plural. We've got two of the biggest and most complete practice facilities in the world. There's no college or pro team that can match 'em. Either of them. It's like have two Taj Mahal's. Except one of them is the Taj Mahal and the other is bigger, better, and can fly to the moon.
Wait... what? It can fly? How is that even possible.
I like you Recruit X. I've seen your tape. Your an outstanding defensive lineman/linebacker/corner/safety/any position of need. But you know what? You could be better. Did you know that every player on the 1997-8 national championship team credits me with everything? It's true. I've got the newspaper clippings after they fired Rodriguez and named me head coach. Glen Steele, Irons, Marcus Ray. All Americans son. You want to be an All American don't you?
/nods/ yeah Coach. I do.... Hey is that....
.... Charles Woodson?
What are you doing here?
I recently moved back to Ann Arbor. Once Coach Hoke was named head coach I immediately moved here to show my support for Michigan. My Michigan. Not that fake ass Michigan over the last three years of which we will never speak.
Don't you have practice for the Super Bowl?
Naw man. I practice here now. Gotta show love for Coach Hoke.
I'm out. Gotta go do my pain tolerance training.
You see Recruit X, this is how we roll here. We'll make you stronger than a Grizzly Bear and you'll win more championships than your fingers have space for rings and you'll be up to your eyeballs in supermodel pelt.
Man this is awesome. But Coach, I do have a few other recruiting visits to make before the deadline. I'll have to think abo...
I.... I am?
.... Yeah... Yeah! Great! Tremendous!
/Hoke's office, Denard sits in front of Hokes desk, rests feet on Hoke's in box/