A Day In The Life: Dave Brandon's Master Plan Part One

/Scene: Ann Arbor, Michigan. Schembechler Hall. Through a walleyed camera view, we fly through Schembechler Hall, blasting past Michigan memories of glories past and present. Through a set of intricately carved wooden doors, we find ourselves in the Athletic Department offices, and suddenly through the door marked "Athletic Director". We join the scene as Michigan Athletic Director Dave Brandon puts the headset of his telephone into its cradle. A large smile creases his face and.../

: /singing out loud to self/ Dance, Dance, Dance the night awaaay... baby, baby... Dan

: Uh.... Dave

/looking up, Brandon sees Michigan Head Football Coach Brady Hoke standing in his doorway. Perturbed, Brandon speaks.../

: This had better be good. You know not to interrupt my Van Halen time.

: Van Halen time my ass. I was standing in the doorway when you told the East Lansing Dominoes franchisees to begin substituting E-Lax for cheese or you'd turn them all over to Pizza Hut.

: And your point?

: Don't have one. Gotta say that was tremendous though.

: We'll see if it even registers. They've been serving deep fried mice dipped in Red Hot as hot wings to those degenerates in Columbus for almost two years and we can't keep up with demand. The medical labs we've been ordering them from are starting to run out.

: What's the worry? Just set up a collection site outside of the Horseshoe.

: We tried that. Kept getting their undergrads stuck in the traps.

: How is that even possible?

: Let's just say the male undergraduates got a little too friendly with the mouse entry gaps.

: Jeezus...

: Yeah, on the bright side it means the Southern Ohio birth rate will drop like a stone over the next four years. Anyway, come in, sit down, grab a slice of pizza, and tell me what's up.

: This isn't the E-Lax pizza is it?

: Not as for as you know.

: I'll pass on the pizza, Dave.

/Brandon is obviously upset his ruse didn't work/

: Suit yourself, what's up?

: Wanted to bring you up to date on our recruiting. Things are going well.

: I noticed. Eleven commits already for the 2012 class, that's pretty amazing.

: Thanks Dave.

: Quick question, are you going to recruit a defensive player that's not a linebacker?

: No.

: At least you're honest. What about on offense? Do we have any skill position guys lined up for next season?

: Well we've got commitments from 14 Tight Ends an....

: Brady.....

: Lemme finish, a couple of linemen and a QB for 2013.

: So, "no" then.

: No.

: Any reason why?

: Christ Dave, have you seen the roster I inherited? Half of our scholarships are taken up by slot receivers/running backs. A quarter of the roster is LB/DE tweeners. And the rest are either starting or injured. I mean, did you see our linebacking corps last year. It was like trying to send a horse out to stud and having him hump a fence post instead.

: What?

: It makes sense, don't pretend you're not giggling over than analogy.

: Fine. It is a funny visual. Let's be clear, I'm pretty pleased with the recruiting. You've got some linemen and linebackers committed and this may be our best class in 6 years when it's all said and done. So answer me this.

: Yes?

: Your overall coaching record is below .500.

: Yes.

: You just took over a program that has had one winning season in three years and just fired its head coach.

: Yes.

: And you're changing systems on both sides of the ball.

: Yeah. I'm assuming there's a question in here somewhere.

: There is. How are you doing this? I knew you could recruit, but this is beyond what anyone expected.

: You really want to know you, do you?

: Yeah, I do.

: /Hoke gets up closes door, sits back down/ Alright... here it is.

/blinding flash/

: /dazed/ What the shit was that!?

: You just told me I was getting a raise and an all you can eat pass to Blimpy Burger for life.

: /shakes away the cobwebs/ Nice try fat man..... Wait... I know what that was..... NO! That's impossible.

: Impossible is nothing. (TM)

: You did it?

: Just like we discussed.

: I can't believe it. When did this happen?

: About four weeks ago. I didn't want to let you know about our progress until I could deliver a finished product. But here it is. /hands device to Brandon/

: It's... it's stunning. Literally.

: Yup. I gotta tell you, it took a lot out of Denard. But he's back up to 100% now that he's rested. Now we don't have to take him on every recruiting visit, and he can finally get used to the offense.

: Thank God. Those picks he threw in the Spring Game... I had a flashback to 2008. I thought something was wrong with him. Or worse, that he wasn't going to fit the system.

: Yeah... um... sure... it was the device that took it out of him, that's why.... /trails off, looks away/

: What's the effectiveness of the device?

: 60% of the time, it works every time.

: This isn't Sex Panther you dumbass.

: Sorry. About a 60% effectiveness. It's not as potent as the real thing, but it'll do the job when you need it.

: Tremendous.

/Brandon pushes a button on his desk and a false wall slides open revealing a map of the US with yellow lights dotting the map./

: Now it begins. What's our readiness?

: We need a few more weeks to produce additional devices and distribute them to our trusted coaches.

: Acceptable. Who knows about the device outside this room?

: Other than Denard, only the four geeks in the physics department who built it. I introduced them to girls as a reward. They won't say a word.

: Is the plan ready to be implemented?

: You bet it is. Here's the list. We know who we want.

: Tremendous. How effective is the device when dealing with conflicting childhood loyalties?

: You've seen our success against Michigan St. this year, haven't you?

: Tremendous.

: So you're ready to execute the plan?

: I am. You know your orders.

: I do.

: Tremendous.

and so it begins..............................................................

/fade to black/

(HT: the insanity of EDSBS and BHGP.)