The Big Ten Football Media Kick off is right around the corner, and once again yours truly will be in attendance. Media Days is a strange beast. You sit around in a giant conference room staring at a podium listening to pre-prepared remarks that mean next to nothing and watch horrifically fat, unathletic people ask the same questions they've been asking for years with differing types of inflection in their tones. It's sad really. Because Media Days would be a great opportunity for comedy if not for the seriousness with which we treat sports and media.
It's probably a good idea to get this out of my system now. I mean, I'd like to get to go back again with a squad car waiting to escort me out. So, here are a list of questions I will not be asking at this year's Big Ten Media days. (I'd already started thinking this out before Orson went and wrote this about SEC Media Days. Bastard. But he beat me to it, so RESPEK, blogfather.)
Danny Hope - Purdue Boilermakers
Now that Rich Rodriguez is gone, who is the Big Ten's leading purveyor of Snake Oil? I'm running out.
What mustache wax do you use?
How does it feel to be the head coach of an imaginary football team at an imaginary university?
So... last year's offense, huh?
What other retread, cast-off, malcontent, injury prone quarterbacks at other schools are you currently pursuing?
Are you aware Tate Forcier is available?
If you were in any other profession, what would it be? It's plumbing, isn't it?
Luke Fickell - Ohio State Buckeyes
What assistant coaching position will you take after the 2011 season?
Can you have Terrelle Pryor sign this?
Will Jim Tressel call your plays this season from his secluded mansion in Aruba?
Do you laugh every time Gene Smith opens his mouth like we do?
Tressel had the vest. Will your signature gameday attire be polyester coaches shorts?
How many tats you got?
Ron Zook - Illinois Fighting Illini
How are you still employed?
Brady Hoke - Michigan Wolverines
Why have you failed to use statistical analysis to prove your worth as a coach?
Are you and Matt Foley twins?
There has been some resistance to the phrase "manball" in the Michigan fanbase. Might I suggest "Mathball" as a substitute?
You once said your goal in college was to drink every beer in Muncie. Did you succeed?
How will you and Al Borges criminally misuse Denard Robinson's talents this year? Don't lie. I have a spreadsheet with the answers.
What stuffed animal will Greg Mattison rub on your linebackers this season?
What kind of fruit basket did you send Kyle Turley? Or was it an edible arrangement? Those are delicious.
Bo Pelini - Nebraska Cornhuskers
Taylor Martinez's dad on line one! /ducks/
In what new, heartbreaking fashion will you lose the inaugural Big Ten Championship game and all subsequent championship games?
Is it true that Mac Brown cried a little when he heard he wasn't going to have you to kick around anymore?
Same question, Bob Stoops?
Any truth to the rumor you shotgun a case of Reb Bull before each game because you think cocaine is for pussies?
Be honest, didn't you laugh when you heard the Big Ten division names?
How happy are you never to have to see Big XII refs again? <---- Serious question people, but I ain't asking it.
Kirk Ferentz - Iowa Hawkeyes
When (not if) you lose your starting tailback during fall practice, will you hire Mike Leach as your offensive coordinator? Please?
No one on your football team has gotten arrested for public drunkeness, credit card fraud, or fightin' in da club this summer. Is the entire football team dead?
Does it upset you that Mark Dantonio is actually more boring than you?
I'm looking for a really intense workout, do you guys have one?
You lost the world's greatest American in Ricky Stanzi to graduation. Is Iowa's quarterback position now in Taliban hands?
Will you wear a sweatervest to honor Jim Tressel this season?
so much more after the jump.......
Kevin Wilson - Indiana Hoosiers
Who the hell are you?
How much gum will you throw this season?
You heard "A Big Ten team is interested in you" from your agent and just signed before you asked which one, didn't you?
So... It's just you and Alabama for Gunner Keil? /snicker..../
Have you updated your resume yet?
You've said you intend to make a bowl game this season. Why are you already lying to your players?
On September 24, you play North Texas. How will you keep it close?
Indiana has a great history hiring coaches away from Oklahoma. What type of recruiting violations will you commit to keep up this tradition?
Pat Fitzgerald - Northwestern Wildcats
When you play in full stadiums, you know, on the road, does it frighten your players?
What the hell happened against Wisconsin last year? Seriously!?
Do you prank call Gary Barta following wins over Iowa?
What heroically horrifying injury will Dan Persa suffer this year?
Are you the star of this summer's mega blockbuster Captain America?
With the bailout in Greece and the pending collapses in Portugal and Ireland hanging over the EU, what are the chances that Germany finally pulls the plug on the Euro? No answer? I thought you graduated from Northwestern?
How have you done so much with your life and I've done so little with mine? /is inconsolable/
You've turned down the head coaching slots at Notre Dame and Michigan within a year of one another. Is Jim Phillips holding your family hostage?
Mark Dantonio - Michigan St. Spartans
Is it true there are no mirrors in the Spartan locker rooms because you don't appear in them?
After the Capitol One Bowl, Nick Saban shook your hand and said "Good Game." What did it feel like to know he was lying.
Same question about Kirk Ferentz.
When will you officially announce your candidacy for President of Ohi... er... officially seek the OSU head coaching position.
Any truth you and Craig James used to party just so you could have his leftovers?
You look thirsty Coach, want some of my holy water?
Bret Bielema - Wisconsin Badgers
You lookin swoll coach.
Better beer: New Glarus or Capital Brewery?
You realize it's your fault we had to deal with Spartan fans telling us they had a claim to the Rose Bowl, right?
Which running back's NFL chances will you grind into paste first, Montee Ball or James White?
Russell Wilson ? In your offense? Explain, please.
I understand that you'll be using Co-Defensive coordinators? When has that ever worked?
What will you do to get Wisconsin's students in the stands before "Jump Around" is played and how will you keep them there?
We're going cruisin at T.G.I. Friday's after this, right?
Joe Paterno - Penn St. Nittany Lions
HELLO MR. PATERNO NICE TO SEE YOU TODAY. YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE FORWARD PASS AND WHAT IT HAS DONE TO RUIN THE GAME OF FOOTBALL. ALSO, YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO'S HALFBACK LEFT PLAY THAT WAS SO SUCCESSFUL IN THE 1902 SEASON.
Does it bother you that a tent city of doped up teenagers engaging in all kinds of buggery outside Beaver Stadium instead of studying for the classes that their hardworking parents spent thousands of hours working and saving for is named "Paternoville"?
Be honest, don't you want to punch the mascot from time to time?
If you could only eat one more brain, whose would it be?
You're going to miss Rich Rodriguez, aren't you?
When people mention text messages, do you naturally assume they're talking about letters?
Matthew McGloin or Anthony Morrelli as your starting quarterback? Death is not an option.
Jerry Kill - Minnesota Golden Gophers
Why did you take a worse job than the one you already had?
You're used to winning at Northern Illinois. How used to losing are you?
True or false, you earned your last name in a prison fight?
Any other suggestions?