Critical Story Lines for Big Ten Football Media Days

Big Ten Football Media Days Kicks off on Thursday and there are plenty of story lines to cover for each Big Ten team. Who will be the running back? Will your new coach be able to handle the pressure? How much cheese can your your right tackle eat in one sitting? So we're going down the list, team by team, and giving you the prime storyline for each team. If you're looking for a list of critical questions we plan to will under no circumstances ask at Big Ten Football Media Days, click m'ere.

Illinois - The Fighting Illini were 3-2 in October, their only month above .500 in the regular season. How will the Illini arrange their schedule to play all their games in October?

Michigan - The Wolverines remain short on defensively linemen but long on slot receivers. Will Michigan call upon its bio-medical engineering and medical schools to surgically combine Terrence Robinson, Jeremy Gallon and Kelvin Grady into one passable defensive tackle?

Minnesota - After three years of marketing genius by Tim Brewster, what will Minnesota do to get its name out to the assembled media and recruits? What will Jerry Kill do to senselessly bring unwanted attention to himself and the program now that Minnesota no longer has the hyper-hypo running its football program?

Northwestern - Quantum Mechanics (which controls the sub-atomic level of our universe) and the General Theory of Relativity (which controls the atomic level and larger) have, thus far, been irreconcilable. Northwestern's defensive line play will represent hope for a single, unified theory when their subatomic line attempts to stop Nebraska's planet-sized offensive line.

Indiana - Will anyone show up for the games? And if not, will anyone be there to protect The Rock?

Penn State - THE SPANIARDS SUNK THE MAINE IN HAVANA HARBOR IN A SPINELESS SHOW OF COWARDICE. HOW WILL JOSEPH PATERNO LEAD THE MEN OF THE MT. NITTANY AGAINST THE VAUNTED SPANISH CAVALRY IN THE CUBAN FOOTHILLS?

Michigan State - It was obvious to anyone who watched it, but the only reason the Spartans dropped that nailbiter in the Citrus Bowl  was because of insufficient conditioning. Will MSU's new strength coach and nutritionist Tony Mandarich  be able to turn things around?

Wisconsin - Brah, it's just you and Bielema. We're locking you in the basement with this keg and you've got to finish it before sun up. And watch out for Bielema. He tends to get a little frisky when he drinks.

Nebraska - Welcome to the B1G Ten, Cornhuskers! Now don't be phased by those square things that open up and have all that paper and lettering in them. They're called books.

Purdue - There are people who ride a plutonium unicycle while juggling vials of small pox that are healthier than any of Purdue's running back or quarterback options. Other than making his running backs compete in a big hamster ball while covered in bubble rap, how in God's name does Danny Hope intend to gain any ground yardage in 2011?

Iowa - They lost Minnesota last year. And Northwestern. Will Hawkeye Nation completely implode if Ferentz completes the hat trick in 2011 and loses to Iowa State as well?

(/squak/ I'M WAITING FOR YOU CUZ !!/chirp/)

Ohio State - How big will the statue of Jim Tressel be now that Ohio State won't face the loss of institutional control or failure to monitor charges? Will it be the biggest structure in Columbus or the world?

Artists rendering of the coming Jim Tressel statue in Columbus.