In a shocking press conference this morning University of Michigan Athletic Director Dave Brandon announced that Heinz Mustard would no longer be available as a condiment at Michigan Football games in Michigan Stadium.
After a thorough review of our process and indices, we have determined that it is not feasible to provide Heinz Mustard at Michigan Football games. However, after speaking with alumni and reviewing our data, we will have Plochman's mustard available.
The reaction from fans was swift and harsh. "I can't believe he's doing this," said one recent alumni, "I mean, it's OUR MUSTARD. What's next? Is he going to take the wings off the helmets? It's like its not even Michigan anymore. I don't even know why I'd go to the games if there's no Heinz Mustard." Heinz representatives were clearly shocked as well, "We were really looking forward to being at Michigan Stadium this year. I mean, this is the mustard of Bo and Lloyd. How can they do this?" When asked about Fritz Crisler's fanatical hatred of mustard in general, the representative declined comment. Around the internet, the reaction was equally swift with fans taking to Twitter with multiple hashtags, including:
The blogs were outraged as well.
I've reviewed the contract and it turns out that the original Heinz deal was far superior to the new Plochman's deal. Despite the fact that both sides had legions of attorneys looking over the deal, somehow Michigan is getting screwed. I mean look at the numbers Michigan is paying less than three cents less for Plochman's than for Heinz. I mean seriously? You sold a tradition like Heinz down the river for three cents? And you got screwed on it? Clearly Michigan is losing its soul here. I say this without any knowledge of the actual deal, but somehow we've been duped into this. It's all Brandon's fault that the ice caps are melting. I mean besides cleaning up the mess that was our athletic department, balancing the books, the night game, the Big Chill, hiring Coach Hoke, keeping Red, the basketball player development center, being the most available AD since Fielding Yost, and helping to return Michigan to its rightful place in college athletics, what has he done!? He made the team where goofy uniforms. I think that speaks for itself.
Tens of people gathered on an internet chat room to protest the decision, chanting "We want Heinz" in unison, turning it into a You Tube clip, and then sending it to Brandon's office attached to a sternly worded email. The Athletic Department has not issued a follow up statement, but channels have indicated that no change in policy will be forthcoming.
In other news, there will be football played in 2012 and the Earth continues spinning on its axis.
/end self troll