Your Friday Drinking Instructions Feel the Sanctions

Mario Tama

It's five o'clock somewhere, and that somewhere on Saturday is Happy Valley, PA. Welcome to a twilight game, Michigan. Time to pour one out.

I've been nervous about this game since the time I thought Michigan had a good offense. Penn State's dangerous, and going to Happy Valley is only worthwhile because the ice cream at the Creamery is so damn good. Hey BSD folks - is it still called Peachy Paterno? I would hope not. I've had this game pegged for a while as Michigan's "d'oh" loss - but Penn State hasn't shown me much either.

Anyway. Christian Muhlenberg is a great quarterback with license to sling. He throws the rock a TON and has the talent to back it up. This'll be a much, much stiffer test than whoever was playing QB for the Gofers last week.

This weekend, I'm embracing the 5pm start time, because I'm gonna be drinking with an Arkansas buddy whose game starts at 12:21 - we'll get going throughout the hogs game (as hard as it is to root for Bielma teams, my buddy's smoking a bacon-wrapped pork loin) and then drink through the good 3:30 games, and then I expect my problems to be over. I don't recall a 5pm start time for a Michigan game in a long, long time, so I'm excited.

All bets are off if Pennsylvania's most famous celebrity attends the game, though:

/heh. Goat.

What other Penn State jokes can we make? I'm drawing a loss. Hmm. Can't think of anything to make fun of about Happy Valley. Nope, nothing. I was gonna embed a bunch of those South Park clips, but I'm gonna be a nice guy.

This week, I'm sick of switching to bourbon. I'm gonna put my money behind a Bell's Two Hearted and stick to it. I still can't link a photo of this and I'm not by my six-pack (it's in my fridge) so no pictures for you. Instead, here's my best impression of the SBN powers that be:

In case you have a degree from Michigan State, the metaphor here is that pictures are great (they're the soup) and SBN is not allowing me to use pictures outside their limited search engine (hence the "Soup Nazi") who, in case you have a degree from anywhere in the Northeast, is not an actual Nazi reference, but mainly just referenced because he's a fascist. Feel free to narrow your eyes and call him a Soup Fascist instead. See how funny your friends think you are when you're sitting on a hemp blanket with a guitar brushing your braids out of your eyes. Your'e gross. Go away.

Two-Hearted was actually given to me by my upstairs neighbors for helping them move, which was awfully sporting of them. Michigan folk ain't bad, you know. It's the fall beer to end all fall beers, and here in DC, it's like liquid gold. It's readily available but people loooove it because it's hoppy and dark and makes them seem sophisticated. I once found it at a happy hour for $2/pint on draft in northern Michigan, and that was the greatest evening of my young life. Here, you're lucky to pay $6. Yuck.

I don't know, man. This game is really worrisome. But it's footbaw season, and I'm a happy man because that means good beer, friends, and pork. Hope you all enjoy your weekends and the game - and until next time, Cheers, Michigan Faithful!

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Maize n Brew

You must be a member of Maize n Brew to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Maize n Brew. You should read them.

Join Maize n Brew

You must be a member of Maize n Brew to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Maize n Brew. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker