The MnB Bowl Survival Guide, Part 1: The Pre-Christmas Bowls

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

We were going to do a Haters' Guide like Deadspin does but we're not mean or funny enough

It's bowl season here at Maize n Brew, and we've got the run-down of all 35 bowl games for you. Today we'll take a detailed look at the six bowls before Christmas, examine their implications on the college football landscape, break down key matchups, and lie about what's in each preview.

Also: Don't be shittyIf you haven't signed up for the Maize n Brew Bowls You Care About Pick ‘Em, do so now!

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Swing yer Swards

Washington State vs Colorado State, 12/21, 2pm, ESPNish

Quick Summary: Washington State succesfully parlayed noted equipment shed enthusiast Mike Leach's 3-9 inaugural season into a stunning 6-6 second go-round. Clearly, this is a program on the rise. The key matchup here will be Washington State's vaunted rushing attack against the crippling ennui that comes with playing in a bowl game named after a bulk-t-shirt manufacturer well before Christmas.
This Game, in a GIF: Mike Leach's fever dreams

Tumblr_lue88vasoh1qmaa4ro1_500_medium

Any Redemption? There's an excellent chance Mike Leach will stab someone with a cutlass.
Drink Of Choice: Absinthe. The only way to get the full Mike Leach experience.

Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl: Feel the Kiffination

Fresno State vs. USC, 12/21, 3:30pm, ABC

Quick Summary: Royal Purple makes motor oil. If you knew that, please email Zach to claim your prize. He only opens emails with the subject line "Meet Sexy Singles In Your Area NOW!!!" so please bear that in mind. Apparently motor oil is a tremendously competitive industry, which is strange, because they're paying USC to play in a bowl game. Man, it feels good to see USC in a bowl game on 12/21, doesn't it?
This Game, in a GIF: This oughta remind SC fans who they could have had at head coach

Fresno-state-hook-and-ladder-to-offensive-lineman_medium

Any Redemption? Hope Derek Carr puts 500 yards up on USC and the Trojans finish with a losing season. Yeah, that'd be nice.
Drink of choice: None. Instead, pour one out for Lane Kiffin - running USC and Tennessee into the ground means you've got a free one on MnB, coach.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Buff-ay-lo, Buff-ah-lo

Buffalo vs San Diego, 12/21, 5:30pm, ESPN

Quick Summary: I honestly didn't know these teams had football programs. I have a friend that went to San Diego and assumed it was SDSU. It's not. It's also not UCSD. Which has me stumped. I can't make fun of Buffalo because they destroyed UConn, 41-12. The transitive property of college football makes me shudder at the thought of a Michigan-Buffalo matchup.
This Game, in a GIF: Heh. Totally worth it.

Zjgbyve_medium

Any redemption? Like blue turf? If not, change the channel.
Drink of choice: I've had a hard time finding Bells' Sweet Potato Stout this week, so in keeping with the early bowl game tradition of drinking hard and often, give some potato vodka a shot.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: The Laziest Bowl Of All Time

Tulane vs. UL Lafayette, 12/21, 9pm, ESPN

Quick Summary: These folks clearly went for the ticket sales. Aren't bowls a time for teams to, like, travel? Tulane plays a nominal home game against the team with a top-5 nickname in college football, behind only the Furman Paladins, SLU Billikens, and the Anteaters of UC Irvine.

This Game, in a GIF: So lazy it's not even animated. H/T NatGeo.

Two-toed-sloth_744_600x450_medium

Any Redemption? None. This one pisses me off.
Drink of Choice: Whatever you can reach from your couch. Seriously, the laziest bowl of the year.

Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl: Seriously, This Is Getting Ridiculous

East Carolina vs. Ohio 12/23, 2pm, ESPN

Quick Summary: I feel like ECU always pulls an upset of Virginia Tech even though I think they only did it once. The Pirates are Mike Leach's dream job. I have no other bad jokes to make, but I feel bad that these teams have to play at the Trop. Yikes. Frank Solich to Texas to replace Mack Brown because Nick Saban said no and is staying at Alabama. What other keywords can I use here to increase SEO and pretend this game doesn't exist? That's how I feel about this game.
This Game, in a GIF: How to avoid a sack by running backwards 20 yards:

Zwalgqx_medium

Any Redemption? The only winner in this game is Beef O' Brady's, which means we all lose. It's either a brand of chili or the world's most desperate small regional faux-pub chain. I'm voting on the former.
Drink of Choice: A Yelping of Beef O'Brady's says they have "great deals on Guinness" so let's just go with that. mmm, mass market beer.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

Boise State vs Oregon State, 12/24, 8pm, ESPN

Quick Summary: In the early bowls, this is the best matchup - very little defense will be played. Realistically, most of us on the East Coast will be anxiously awaiting Santa and in all likelihood already in bed. For those of you on the West Coast, this'll be a shootout. Still baffled by Petersen leaving for Washington. It's not a better gig, right? Oklahoma State went from presumptive Big Twelve champion to this after Oklahoma played spoiler. That can't sit well with the Cowboys, who are something like 12-80 against Oklahoma lifetime. Still, a trip to Hawaii for Christmas is a nice consolation...
This Game, in a GIF: Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy has the rare distinction of being both a man, 40, and the only active head coach in the NCAA to star in a Disney movie.

Tumblr_lc75rodkhv1qa4w2fo1_500_medium

Any Redemption? Plenty. Santa's coming, so be good, girls and boys.
Drink of Choice: I really don't like eggnog, but i think spiking it with bourbon will help hasten the arrival of Santa. Hustle down the chimney, please. Bring me some bowls worth watching.

Coming soon: Part 2 of the Bowl Survival Guide - The Games Before Michigan Plays

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Maize n Brew

You must be a member of Maize n Brew to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Maize n Brew. You should read them.

Join Maize n Brew

You must be a member of Maize n Brew to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Maize n Brew. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker