Ten CFB Rumors For 2014 We're Starting Right Now

This is how little we care about what you want - Tom Pennington

Ten rumors for the upcoming college football off season that will totally come true so we're starting them now. #markitdown

With less than a week left in the college football season and only a handful of games to keep us occupied, naturally our mind starts to wander.  And how could it not?  With half of the NFL just firing their head coaches, the resulting fallout is sure to (and already has) create(d) havoc in the college ranks.  On top of that, a 14 team B1G starts play next year.   So after thinking about this for a minute or two on the crapper diligently, we realized there were certain things that should, nay, will happen during the off season and 2014 season so we figured we'd get the word out early.

10. Penn State's next head coach will be required to sign a Hari Kari contract. Frankly, I'm shocked Bill O'Brien's contract didn't contain this.  Whether you call it seppuku or hari kari, Penn State's next head coach will not leave Happy Valley alive.  From now on just refer to PSU as the Hotel California.  You can coach here any time you like, BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE.

9. Baylor, in an attempt to prove they are not a knock-off Oregon, will do the most Oregon thing ever and announce that it will play each game in 2014 with a different uniform. Duh.  By the end of the season, they'll have run out of uniform ideas and will actually play a game dressed as the Village People.

8. Pat Narduzzi will accept the Texas Job. How this isn't a real rumor is beyond me.  This man is the best defensive coordinator in college football.  What Michigan State did to Stanford's offense bordered on art, that is if you consider watching a 25 foot boa constrictor incapacitate and slowly crush the life out of an angry puma art, which, if so, well, that's a conversation for another day.  Narduzzi has pieced together the defensive equivalent of Unicron out of parts he found from a '72 Gremlin.  Someone will make the right decision and hire him for an obscene amount of money, and given Texas' issues with defense over the last few years, it makes sense, doesn't it?

7. Kirk Ferentz will take the Redskins Job. #LOLno

6. Michigan will wear a uniform that in some minor way alters the appearance of the helmet and the Michigan fanbase melts the fuck down. You know its coming.  It will happen.  And the fall out will be the most Michigan thing ever.  People will talk about tradition, how it's being ruined, how money it spoiling college football, kids these days, the horseless carriage, how the cost of coal and child labor have risen unacceptably, etc.  Also, Brian Cook's head will explode.

5. A Georgia and/or Florida football player will be arrested for a combination Scooter/drug/alcohol/DUI type incident which will include some random piece of paraphernalia that takes the incident from shaking your head at a dumb kid to a piece of comic genius. #Thishappenseveryyear.

4. The College Football Playoff Selection Committee has already selected three SEC teams and Notre Dame for the playoff. This is about the best four teams on the field, and soon-to-be four loss Notre Dame and paraplegic Georgia are two of them.

3. Jim Delany will rig it so that Rutgers beats Nebraska to win the 2014 B1G title. It will be the most B1G moment evar. But then B1G will have the full attention of the NYC television market. It will all be worth it!

2. Davis Webb will be the next athlete that ESPN ruins for us. He'll be a sophomore next season. He threw for over 2000 yards, 20 TDs, and plays for a coach that looks like Ryan Gosling.  He makes gun signs with his hands that could be gang signs, signs of team spirit, or signs of his individuality that makes him irresistible to watch.  Tech plays at odd times, giving him MAXIMUM TELEVISION EXPOSURE, so ESPN will lap it up, regurgitate it, and force it right back down your throats. Just the way you like it.

1. There will be stipends for athletes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... wheeze...wheese... HAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  No.

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