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Know Your Buckeyes: What's Wrong with You People?

Now that it's Ohio State week, Schembechler Hall feels that it is only right that we all attempt to better understand the psyche of the aliens in our midst: Buckeyes. All week, I will endeavor to help you, the public, understand what kind of sick, twisted, socially malignant people we are dealing with. Though behaviors such as hurling urine at strangers, cheering for the successful spelling of a simple word like "Ohio," glorifying the sousaphone, and getting paid by boosters to attend classes like Don't Get AIDS will never be relatable or palatable to actual humans, it is my hope that by Saturday, we all will have a better understanding of why these troglodytes act as they do.

In part two of this series, we examine Buckeye fan behavior...

One of the best ways to tell a Buckeye is through the behavior displayed when attempting to support the team. Thanks to the fact that Ohio is one collective pit and most Buckeyes live in underground caves, only surfacing for football games and court dates, your typical Ohio State Joke of a University supporter has not developed everyday life skills. This results in unfortunate choices like championing the sweater vest:

It also leads a typical fan to unfortunate indulgences of "creativity," such as this high-school-level editing project set to music that can only be described as bad. Were the creators of this video not so certain that they were being funny, this would seem much less lame:

Your typical Ohio schools are vocational in focus, emphasizing abilities like running from the police, saying "not guilty" and "this is the first time I've heard of it," and developing methods to launder booster money. This leaves many Buckeyes without an outlet for the limited literacy skills that they develop later in life, and like all cute children who pick up something new, they're eager to show off the range of their low-level ability.

This odd mix of absent social mores and deficient competencies can often result in unfortunate choices, such as urinating in places where they walk and fall down: