clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Job Opening

So it's official: If Uncle Rico, reckoning that he needs to speak to someone with a knowledge of cyberspace, ever again wants to know about time travel, he need no longer feel compelled to rely on Kip. Because Lloyd Carr apparently has unlocked the power to go back to 1997. I mean, how else do we create an intellectual framework that will allow us to accept the melancholy, entirely not surprising news that Mike DeBord--whose 1999 offense was 8th in the Big Ten despite the presence of Tom Brady, David Terrell, and an entire NFL offensive line--is again the offensive coordinator? As you stew in you discontent, add this story to the pot. What's going on with the coaching staff?

Well, we know for sure that Terry Malone and Ron English are gone. And that means just one thing--JOB OPENINGS! Yes, state schools are subject to equal-opportunity employment laws, and that means that assistant coaching jobs have to be posted on an interweb and made available to the public. Here's how it reads:

DUTIES:
As Assistant Football Coach: Recruit, condition, train, and monitor performance of football team members within a facet of the sport and assist in the intercollegiate athletic competition of the team. Recruit and participate in the selection of athletes for the football team; coach team members individually or in groups, demonstrating techniques of a game. Observe team members and determine the need for individual or team improvement; determine the position assignments of team members within a facet of the sport; recommend contest strategy for a facet of the sport; insure adherence to all association and conference rules by athletes and supporting staff; assist in the monitoring of academic progress and status of team members.

DEPARTMENT QUALIFICATIONS:
A Bachelor's degree is necessary; reasonable experience in various areas of coaching football is necessary; considerable knowledge of intercollegiate athletics is necessary. Previous recruiting experience is required. Master's degree preferred.

Questions about applying for this position can be E-mailed to employment.services@umich.edu

I am thinking of applying. I like my current job; don't get me wrong. But this would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to coach the Michigan football team and enjoy the unrivaled job security of a Mike Gittleson. I am still pulling together my resume and cover letter, but here is a draft of the latter:
To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Joey, and I am writing to express my interest in the available assistant coach position. Like recently hired offensive coordinator Mike DeBord, I have not distinguished myself as anything other than average and am very likable. I am especially good at reinforcing my boss's presuppositions and myopically clung to opinions. I think my work style is congruent with that preferred in Schembechler Hall.

In addition to personal compatibility, I believe that I have a wealth of experience that renders me a unique candidate. I am an enthusiastic Michigan football supporter and have recently completed eleven consecutive three-loss seasons on the Heisman level of EA's NCAA Football 2006 for PlayStation 2. During my tenure as head ball coach (that's some industry-insider speak) of the Michigan PlayStation dynasty, my players have unfortunately won several individual award while also achieving the greatest possible team successes--my Michigan teams have won or tied for the conference championship five times, and we have never lost to a MAC school. I am a proven winner. And even more impressive, my players were often able to achieve these results in spite of my coaching, something I have observed in Ann Arbor before.

Here's a good example: Throughout my eleven years at the helm of Michigan, we have adhered to a few simple standards: 1) Don't turn the ball over; 2) don't risk anything if you aren't forced to; 3) don't embarrass your defense or your friend, the defensive coordinator, by going for it in the fourth quarter if you have a slim lead and have driven the ball to a part of the field where neither kicking nor punting makes sense; 4) don't try to stay ahead of the competition by changing anything unless you have to (and if that happens, try to make things as cosmetic as possible). Following these principles, I have built a powerhouse of consistency--my teams have lost to teams that they shouldn't have on a consistent basis; we are always shaky in our road openers; we usually win one game each season that we shouldn't; and while other schools have enjoyed periods of dominance followed by spells of relative dormancy, Michigan has reliably squandered almost every circumstance possible while finding ways to seem good but not great. We've needed miraculous performances; we've blamed losses on crowned fields; we've had our rivals surpass us after failing to win big during their down periods--you name it!

Having mastered the ability to create fantastic bittersweet success on PlayStation, I'd like to find a new challenge and offer these coaching talents to the real Michigan football program. I am confident that were I hired, I could seamlessly integrate myself into the culture of inertia and complacency that has become the hallmark of Michigan football. I am a strong communicator who believes that making kids nervous about screwing up is the best way to get them ready for a big game; who believes that the three-yard out is one of the smartest ways to work time off of the clock; and who believes that it's unfortunate that so many QBs are insisting on running these days. Seriously, what's with that?

I hope that you will give my candidacy strong consideration, and I thank you for you time.

Go Blue,
Joey

Brian, as usual, has more.