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Buckeyes Extend Scholarship Offers to Two Five-Star Talents

In the wake of the news that former Florida State linebacker A.J. Nicholson and former wide receiver Fred Rouse allegedly stole $1,700 from FSU running back Lorenzo Booker, the Ohio State Joke of a University has extended scholarship offers to both theoretical criminals.

Buckeye Recruiting Coordinator John Peterson said, "These two young men have demonstrated the antisocial tendencies, stupidity, and blatant disregard for the law that has characterized some of the great convicts to come through this program."

Though Rouse has been a problem since setting foot on the Florida State campus and Nicholson has exhausted his eligibility, Peterson didn't see either of these factors standing in the way of either player joining the team.

"I think that the one kid, Rouse, got kicked off the team, so he should have some eligibility left. I don't know if he went to classes or what, but that doesn't matter. We don't really get involved in some of the details, like literacy, that the boring programs worry about. All I's knows is that we have a wonderful admissions staff that works with the football program to make sure that our kids get and stay eligible. Rouse can likely get the golf, AIDS awareness, recess, and football credits that he'll need here. Plus, we have a great work-release program, so he can give back to the community while on work furlough.

"As for Nicholson--I know he was drafted by the Bengals, but we have a lot of guys in lock up who have been getting paid for a while, so I don't see why A.J. would be treated differently. It's not right for the NCAA or anyone else to be singling out a kid. Just look at Tennessee or USC--there are criminals and guys getting extra benefits everywhere. Why should we be any different?"

Nicholson and Rouse are both expected to be living in cell block B.

When reached for comment about the new additions to his team, Head Coach Jim Tressel said, "This is the first I've heard of it."