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A Morning with Lloyd Carr

As you may have noticed, one of the early revelations of this current Michigan football campaign is that Lloyd Carr apparently is as gangster as it gets for the mild-mannered set, willing to whip out a seemingly inexhaustible supply of transfer papers on that ass at any moment. Just ask Shawn Crable or Rondell Biggs. Carr is sort of like a gentle, erudite, football-coaching version of Wee-Bey from The Wire, only he totes those ill papers in lieu of an assortment of weapons. Don't test him, lest you face the cold, harsh white of transfer papers. Kill or be killed!

While it may be a stretch to say that Lloyd now gets gully on the regular, he doesn't seem too far off from entering into a realm where the only conflict resolution is his unique brand of get-the-eff-out vigilante justice. And as a result, can we really be too far off from the following?

5:00 AM - Carr wakes up. The wife is still asleep. He reviews some tape of her from the previous night and realizes that she hasn't done a very good job of protecting the covers, routinely allowing them to hit the ground. She will need to do better or else lose some intimate time to a backup spouse. He also prepares transfer papers just in case his wife wants to bed down with a 1-AA husband...or Colorado.

6:08 AM - Carr's best friend, Mike DeBord, is 8 minutes late but picks him up for the daily carpool to work. Carr never makes excuses and once gave transfer papers to another carpool buddy, Stan Parish, who was also 8 minutes late, but DeBord is safe.

6:37 AM - On the way, they crank call Jim Herrmann, asking him "Wazzuhhhhhhhp?!" and then stop for a coffee at Starbucks. For the second week in a row, the barista hasn't been on the same page with Carr, once again serving up a venti Frappuccino with chocolate chips despite Carr's stated preference for no chocolate. Carr asks the barista if he's ready to join the Dunkin' Donuts team as he pulls out an employment application and quietly leaves it in the place of payment.

7:04 AM - Before heading into Schembechler Hall, Carr stops to chat with a local cop whom he had recently served with transfer papers for a faculty position at the Columbus Maximum Security Prison and Home for the Mentally Challenged. Carr observes that since receiving the papers, the cop has been "tremendous" and that he should reconsider the move.

7:09 AM - Lloyd is in the bathroom. He observes that a one-eyed janitor has left a puddle of water on the floor from the previous evening. After zipping up and washing his hands, Carr stops by the custodial staff office and speaks with the head of facilities, "anonymously" leaving transfer papers behind as a suggested remedy.

8:15 AM - Accounting for time-zone differences, Lloyd is already on a conference call with Jim Delaney and the Moon. He is berating the Moon for coming up so early in the later fall months and commonly forcing Michigan to play while it's dark and scary outside. Carr is livid that the moon has the temerity to be scheduled to be out (and full!) when Michigan plays Minnesota. As the call ends, Lloyd asks for the moon's email address; transfer papers to a new solar system will be sent.

8:17 AM - Pat Massey and Jim Herrmann dial in together. During the call, Carr tells his secretary to hold all other calls since he's "on the phone with two people--when you talk about football and what it takes to win, you think of--well, Pat Massey and Jim Herrmann are just tremendous."

9:42 AM - Carr puts the finishing touches on a long-term project that he wouldn't even tell Tom Beaver and John Borton about all summer. He exits his office to grab a snack, dropping off the finished product with an administrative assistant: Lloyd has drafted transfer papers for sideline reporters that will "help" them find employment in the Busta Rhymes security force if they ask the wrong questions.

10:17 AM - Snack over, Lloyd returns to his office, walking past a framed poster of Ross Ryan punting in the fourth quarter. Before his 10:30 meeting with Ron English, Lloyd steals a few moments in order to pull out and review the transfer papers with which he wants to motivate the Michigan cheerleaders. He decides that a transfer to "You're Nasty" is not inappropriate.

11:45 AM - Having met with and pissed off English by innocently inquiring about playing soft zone, a tip that he'd received on the phone that morning from an "old friend," Lloyd contemplates whether the world could ever accommodate a transfer-paper-inspired Mike Hart, ultimately deciding that the fury and desolation left in Hart's wake would likely lead to too many highlights and points scored. It would be like asking Ditka to transfer.