clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Ann Arbor Pitchfork and Torch Co. Stock Goes Through Roof

Michigan's Mind Numbing Incompetence Cost Maize & Blue Game, Tourney Invite

Oh. Good. God.

I watched it. I watched it all. It was like the car wreck you couldn't turn away from. With every Jerret Smith turnover, DeShawn Sims air ball, shot clock violation, drive to the lane which resulted in a jump ball(!), and every useless senior on the court, I died a little inside.

I have no words to describe last night's debacle other than "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

The phrase "You stupid motherfucker" came out of my mouth so often my wife left the room. I checked my normally fine blood pressure during the game, I broke the machine. Every time they zoned in on a clueless Thomas Amaker, mouth agape and eyes vacant, I saw spots, of rage.

There is no way for my to describe how frustrating watching this team is. When my wife asked me why it matters so much I responded, in all seriousness, "Because it's Michigan!"

This loss is fitting for Amaker. Much like a pair of cement shoes, which have been hand crafted by Michigan's New Jersey Alumni Association, Amaker and Michigan have sunk to the bottom of Lake Big Ten and finally drowned in the sea of irrelevance.  And that is the problem. Michigan is totally irrelevant in College Basketball. It's an afterthought. A punchline. A place where top recruits dream of playing elsewhere. A symbol of once great excess and the never ending punishment that follows.

I can't accept that. I can't accept Michigan being mediocre at anything. I expect every team this fine University fields to be competitive. Both Soccer teams make the NCAA tournament. Field Hockey does. So did the Baseball and Softball teams. The Football and Hockey teams are always in the National Title picture.

Then there is the basketball program. And this frustration isn't just limited to the Men's Program. The Women's program won its first Big Ten game in two years earlier this season. Both teams are embarrassments to the school. The women's because they are legitimately rebuilding and in need of funding. The Men's, because they suck. The players quit on the road in the second half. The Coach would be better suited selling clothes at Hetch's. Bradley has better basketball facilities than Michigan. Bradley.

But the biggest problem is the coach.

How is it that after watching Michigan's freshman hang tough against OSU Tommy never puts them back on the floor? How is it that Jerret Smith sees any playing time, ever? How does Michigan only attempt 4-fucking-free-throws in a game? How in God's name can you put Coleman, Smith and Petway on the floor together at the same time? None of them can shoot! In the future just hang a great big sign over the backboard that says "Only Harris and Sims Will Attempt to Score". There are never any back screens. There are never any set plays for open shots. They can't defend a backdoor cut. They can only complete a pass to the other team. They are DEAD LAST in the Big Ten in turnover to assist ratio. This team is terrible and it is a reflection on its coach.

It's impossible to watch the chaos that occurs on the court without wanting to pull your hair out. I must have muttered a thousand times last night "I can't wait till your fired." You can call Michigan's set plays from your couch within five minutes of watching the game. You know Jerret Smith is ALWAYS going to his left with the basketball, even if there's a 6'10" center waiting there to pick his pocket. You watch Courtney Sims and wonder aloud how a man so tall can be so weak. You watch Dion attempt to pick the team up and then watch his back crumble from the dead weight. You watch Petway force up a jump shot and cringe.

There's never any relief.

Jim Carty sums it up beautifully.