(Lexington, KY) - In a daring daylight raid the University of Minnesota People's Basketball Liberation Army, Doncha Know (UMPBLADK), commonly referred to as the Varmint Cong, swooped into the University of Kentucky's Athletic department yesterday, knocking over a rubber tree in the lobby and kidnapping Kentucky's head basketball coach Tubby Smith.
Dressed in their trademark golden pajamas the Varmint Cong rolled into Lexington before dawn on a squadron of Zambonis. Reports have it that the Varmint Cong tunneled to the outskirts of Lexington through construction sites and the golf courses in the area. After securing the perimeter of complex with hockey sticks and logging axes, the UMPBLADK met only light resistance from Kentucky AD Mitch Barnhart (pictured below). The UMPBLADK located Smith and ferried him to the escort of Zambonis outside. Witnesses to the attack reported that the Varmint Cong repeatedly apologized for knocking over the rubber tree and left two dozen Tim Horton's doughnuts, a team autographed photo of the 2005 University of Minnesota Men's Hockey Team, and a note apologizing "for all the fuss."
In a statement released through al-JaGophera television, Generalismo Dougie Svensen and the Varmint Cong claimed responsibility for the attack and kidnapping.
I would also like to apologize for knocking over the rubber plant in lobby."
Response around the Big Ten was quick and angry.
"This is an outrage. The UMPBLADK has gone too far," Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin said in a statement released this morning. "They were well aware I have formed a committee to look into the coaching vacancy at the University of Michigan, which will examine every qualified available coach in the country after extended background checks, personal interviews, credit screening, and engage in lengthy debate about that candidate's suitability. By going in and stealing Tubby Smith out from under my nose without so much as forming a committee or picking up the phone and saying, `Hey, it's Minnesota. Ja. We're interested in Tubby Smith, is that okay?" If they had called. Fine. Maybe I wouldn't be so mad. But instead they chose to do what's best for their University without considering Michigan. That, to me, is unforgivable."
Indiana Head Coach Kelvin Sampson was in a somber mood when he received word of Smith's capture. "Crap," he was quoted as saying.
Finally, Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo had a somewhat different reaction. "You mean the Kentucky job is open? Sweet. F--- you. F--- you. F--- you. I'm outa here."
At this point, Tubby Smith is already showing signs of the Stockholm Syndrome. He reportedly signed a $1.8 million a year contract with the University and was quoted as saying, "Oh ja, I'm here to stay."
The raid was not without casualties to the Varmint Cong. While not acknowledged publicly by the Generalismo, several members of raiding party never made it out of Lexington. Apparently those members caught sight of the University's hockey team poster and immediately applied for admission to the school.
Honestly though, who can blame them.