clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Now Begins The Silly Period

March Madness is complete. Spring Football is over. Letters of intent are signed. Coaches are pulling their hair out trying to get around the text messaging ban. And all we have on our hands is time.

Now begins the Silly Period.

As Peter at Burnt Orange Nation points out, one hundred and thirty miserable days sit between us and the start of (The Longhorn's) Football season. For Michigan fans, the wait is similarly long as we wait until that September 1, 2007 kickoff against (ugh) Appalachian State.

130 days seems like a long time to wait. There's a reason for that. IT IS a long time to wait. With the passing of spring practice you will go without college football of any value for the next 100 days when fall practices finally begin "officially." This is, for many people, far too much to deal with. College football is a drug. And for the addicted low levels of College Football in the blood stream can lead to horrible, horrible results. A deprived College Football addict can be easily spotted.

Obvious symptoms include, but are not limited to:

  1. Existing in a state of denial: "I'm pretty confident we'll see a good game out of Morelli since he tore it up in last year's BW game."
  2. Depression: Spring Football was a Snoozefest.
  3. Boredom : An Extremely Early Look at Western Kentucky!
  4. Kristin Davis
  5. Paranoia:  The Northwest Curse
  6. Drinking Metal: Ring Day! Wooo! Don't Choke!
  7. Generally Being F***ing Crazy: 92,000 people at Bama's Practice?
  8. Irrational Betting Practices: Oh, Slap!
However, thanks to modern medicine, there are methods of keeping these demons at bay. Over the years several methods of controlling the addiction have emerged.

Alcohol: Tried and true. It simulates half the fun of being at a College Football game, just without the Football. It has been known to carry the College Football Addicted through the dangerous summer months well into the start of the season. There is of course a trade off with this treatment for College Football Withdrawal, it is a fleetingly temporary treatment at best. Often individuals who chose this treatment regiment end up more depressed than before that College Football is still months away. However, it remains one of the more popular treatments. Side effects: Loss of friends, family, shoes, and car keys. Unseemly weight gain, pancakes at 4 am, women thrice your size mysteriously ending up in your bed, lost pants, "falling down stairs", strange cravings for chili cheese fries at 10am.

A temporary cure for College Football Withdrawal

Flag Football: Initially developed by the Soviet Union's KGB as a method of softening the American spirit. In the 1950's when Apple Pie Eatin' Americans ate a side wrought iron with their pie, everyone played football without padding and broken bones were a sign of strength.  Flag Football gained popularity in the 1960's and 1970's when the commie's influence was at it's peak. It reached it's height in 1974 when Berkley's Flag Football team scored the trifecta of the National Flag Football Championship, a "peaceful sit-in" of a university building, and smoking four tons of Jamaican grass in a weekend.

The 1974 National Flag Football Champions celebrate their victory for Communism.

Flag football, while not at it's previous level, remains popular in the US today, sort of as an added "F-U!" to the pinkos. A former flag football star Vince Papale even made the NFL. However, the fact that his story became a Disney movie only illustrates the underlying preposition that flag football is a communist plot.

Simulates football without the need for testicles or a backbone. Allows even the most physically challenged College Football addict the opportunity for the temporary high of scoring a "touchdown" in a "football game." But face it. You'll never get that chance. You're always gonna get stuck playing "offensive line". Still, it may help you get through the Silly Period.

Other "Sports": Otherwise known as "physical activity." Not recommended.

EA Sports NCAA Football 2005/2006/2007: Methadone for the College Football Addict. Just like its heroin preventing cousin, can become even more addictive than the drug it is meant to ween you off of. Side Effects: Loss of friends and family. Induces melanin deficiency and pain when exposed to sunlight. Inability to keep track of time.

I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and mor-o-wore...

Phil Steele: Available only towards the end of the Silly Period. Causes a sense of euphoria and cranial biochemical reactions in the reader that are similar to large quantities of chocolate and "I'm-close-to-passing-out-no-I'm-fine-no-zzzzzzzzz" drunken sex. Side Effects: Overdosing can cause head to explode after months of deprivation. Causes irrational euphoria. Starts fist fights when other readers disagree with your interpretation of his teachings. Think of it as the "Abraham's teachings" of College Football.

Coming Tomorrow: The Five Stages of the Silly Period And How Best To Deal With Them!