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University of Montana President: "We Have Routed Them At The Airport!"

(AP) MISSOULA, Mont. -- Speaking from a bullet riddled conference room with no roof, University of Montana President George Dennison told reporters yesterday that the University had routed its critics and disciplinary problems in a pitched battle on the outskirts of Missoula.

"The non-believers were decimated without a single loss to the University. There are no improprieties here. Despite the wretched lies cast by the eastern media, [head football coach] Bobby Hauck is a renowned disciplinarian who would never allow such things to happen to the Glorious University of Montana."

During his 20 minute diatribe, Dennison repeatedly dodged beer bottles and bullets from members of the school's football team. Shouts of "You're a dead man, Homes!" were drowned out by the school's speaker system until the sound man was knifed by one of the reserve linebackers. Despite the chaos around him, Dennison never waivered from his message.

All is well! Remain Calm!

Dennison said he has received no complaints about Hauck's recruiting methods but some callers have accused the university of recruiting "thugs" for its sports programs.

"I resent that," he said. "It's a terrible slam against the other students who represent us quite well. We recruit the people who will graduate and do graduate."

Just as the word "graduate" left Dennison's mouth a University vehicle piloted by four men in football jerseys crashed into the conference room and lobbed a molotov cocktail at the stage. In a deft maneuver, Dennison caught the bottle in his left hand and quickly tossed it out of the room through the exposed roof. With the explosion echoing in the background, Dennison stated, "If there is one thing that [coach] Hauck is known for, it's as a disciplinarian."

Former cornerback James Leon "Jimmy" Wilson is facing murder charges in California, one of his teammates is refusing to cooperate with police, and another was booted from the team for chucking beer bottles at people with two outstanding arrest warrants in Arizona.

Despite repeated questioning, Dennison declined any knowledge of the situation while maintaining these "yankee lies" would only strengthen the resolve of the University and lead to the humiliation of those propagating these statements.

Dennison concluded his press conference by praising the recruiting practices of Coach Hauck. He then stepped over the crumpled body of one of his orderlies, into his armored Towncar, and quickly drove to the airport.