Maize n Brew recently contacted the athletic department to request an interview with Bill Martin when the wires got crossed. As a result, Maize n Brew got a first hand listen on the recent schedule fiddling between Michigan and Notre Dame. Below is the Transcript of the conversation between Notre Dame AD Kevin White and Michigan AD Bill Martin. Enjoy.
KW: Hello, this Kevin White.
BM: Kevin? What the hell, my secretary told me she had Damon Evans on the line.
KW: Bill? My secretary told me Mal Moore was calling me.
BM: Kevin, I think we were both using our inner voices out loud on that one. Why don't we forget what we just said.
KW: Deal. But we should probably get this over with at some point.
BM: Yeah, yeah. Now? I need to fire my secretary for this at some point.
KW: She'll be around. At least you get to fire her. I'm supposed to be all about "forgiveness" and "redemption." She'll pull crap like this all the time. Last week she set my desk on fire.
KW: Exactly. That's why I can't fire her.
BM: Did you seriously just set that joke up?
KW: Yeah. But it plays well at the alumni events. Catholic humor and booze are pure wallet phermones to the donors. Tell `em a clean pope joke while handing them a double scotch and presto, you've got a new basketball arena. You should try it.
BM: Low blow there, Kev.
KW: Sorry `bout that. I'm on my third double mocha latte, gets me a little too hyper. No hard feelings?
BM: None. It's cool. So let's talk. You realize we're gonna catch hell for this.
KW: Yup. But like we've talked about, neither of us are gonna budge. If I schedule two straight at Michigan, all that forgiveness and redemption crap will give way to a stoning.
BM: Kev, I've told you, we can simply schedule a single year break in the near future. I've got App State's AD's number if you're looking for filler. It doesn't have to be two straight at my place or yours, but I can't keep scheduling Ohio State and Notre Dame home games during the same year. Depending on the year, I could end up with 6 road games. Try funding a department like mine on water polo proceeds.
KW: Trust me, we're on the same page. But the school wants to change the schedule up and expand our appeal to the causal fan that may've started looking elsewhere for entertainment. Besides, a two year break will be good for both schools to expand their recruiting bases and get to our fans in other parts of the country.
BM: Like San Antonio?
KW: Um, yeah....
BM: You just want a romantic stroll on the river walk don't you?
KW: Shut up.
BM: Your wife wanted a trip down there didn't she? See the Alamo. Go to Sea World. Have authentic Tex-Mex so you can compare it to "date night" at Chili's?
KW: No comment.
BM: Fine. I get the recruiting push. But Washington State? You're going into Texas and not playing Texas, Texas A&M, or Tech? Hell, even SMU would've at least had some cache in a historical sense. Besides, you could break out those Catholics v. Criminals t-shirts again. What happened? Baylor didn't want to play so you bought Jim Sterk a new Caddy?
KW: Grumble...Schedules...Grumble... Wait a second! You're playing Appalachian State. Kiss my ass, Bill.
BM: Fair enough. But I've got 2:1 odds App State cold beat Duke or Army.
KW: We've both got our patsies Bill. I don't think it's gonna change anything.
BM: Yeah. We both want 4 road games a year in a normal year and a max of five. Ain't gonna happen with two rivalry games on the same year. Ohio State's a permanent fixture regardless so their not moving and you've got USC scheduled `till the next millennia.
KW: I'll give the Pac 10 credit, that 10 year scheduling clause is a bitch. I dunno Bill. I think we're kinda screwed. Until I get to reschedule stuff with USC, I can't move the Michigan game.
KW: That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
BM: There's just too much damn money in this rivalry to walk away from it.
KW: Joe Castiglione keeps calling me about a home-at-home. Hmmm.... No matter what we need a break in the series to make this work, right?
BM: Yup. Unless you want to visit Ann Arbor twice.
KW: How bout this? We take a two year break so I can do this home at home with Oklahoma, and then we resume the rivalry opposite the USC game?
BM: Could work.
KW: Two year break?
BM: Maybe I won't fire my secretary after all.
KW: Hey Bill, wanna hear something else? We're gonna drop MSU for `Zona State.
BM: Sucks for them. Have you called Mason yet?
KW: Hell no. Let him hear about it in the papers. Flag planting jackass...
BM: You realize he had nothing to do with that right?
KW: I gotta hold someone accountable now that Smith finally got fired. Plant a flag in Notre Dame Stadium. Still pisses me off. Who the hell do they think they are? I'll tell you what, THAT'S why we're not playing them...
BM: Inner voice out load again, Kev.
BM: Breathe, Kev. Breathe.
BM: No worries.
KW: Still get a little worked up. Between us right?
BM: Lips are sealed.
KW: Cool. What are you guys gonna do?
BM: Maybe Georgia. Rutgers is a possibility. Alumni are all over the east coast. I'd like to do something with the Big XII, but it's dependent upon the time of the year. Texas or Oklahoma in September is like walking on the surface of the sun.
KW: Pansy. We're doing it.
BM: Yeah. Fair enough. Good to talk to you Kev.
KW: You too Bill. By the way, do you speak any Spanish?
BM: Yup. What can I do for you?
KW: I'm talking with the mayor of San Antonio later and I want to say something nice in Spanish, you know, to break the ice. Any thoughts?
BM: The traditional greeting is "Es me gusta para come sus pantalones."
KW: Awesome. Thanks Bill.
BM: Take `er easy Kev.
Ed. Note: ND fans, this was a JOKE. I'm kidding. Please do not firebomb my house.