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An Open Letter in Response to Your Unsolicited Opinions On Michigan Football

Dear Morons,

I have to thank you. Really. I do. You see, over the last three months I'd been worn down to the point of exhaustion. I was done.  Despite a 4-0 start that I knew was too good to be true, I became optimistic and vulnerable. So vulnerable in fact that I was willing to believe that a defense comprised of bubble gum, spit, and WD40 might be able to stop the inept offensive attacks of perennial bottom feeders like Indiana, Purdue and Illinois. I paid dearly for this belief.

I didn't want to write anything. What more could I say or write that hadn't been said in the previous weeks? The offense was good, the defense was bad, we lost a close (or not so close) game. I typed that over and over again as the weeks went on. And I got tired of typing it.

I also got tired of explaining over and over again that the defense was not stocked with talent, despite what we wanted to believe. How many different times could you say our starting linebackers never played linebacker until they got to college? It just got to be too repetitive. There was nothing new to write, no new thought to contribute, no outcome worth dissecting. I was done with the football season and ready to let it fade into Bolivian.

And then you opened your mouths. Trying to create something out of nothing. Calling our coach a bitch. Insulting the fanbase. Opining on the inner workings of our athletic department without a clue about what you were talking about. Acting like a malcontent child who got his way for the first time in his life and doesn't know what to do with himself.

You could've stuck to the facts. You could've pointed out the holes in our recruiting. The Defense's inability to guard against the run or the pass. And you could've walked away with a smile on your face, knowing you'd won a game against a team that has repeatedly beat your ass into the ground over the decades, and watched us tear ourselves down. You could've done that.

But you didn't.

You had to keep poking the bear. One more jab. One more snide comment. One last "OMG DICK ROD SUX HUR HUR!" Teh Fall of teh prideful! w00t!

So, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I chose to attend Michigan over that glorified disco with books that stole your money for six years. Thank you for reminding me just how awesome it is to have guys like Desmond, Woodson, Woodley, Graham, Brady, and so many others wear our uniform. Thank you for reminding me just how much you wish you had our Big Ten Titles (42), All Americans (77), National Championships (11), and national name recognition. Thank you for reminding me that despite the last two seasons, Michigan's won three Big Ten Titles this decade while most of you were picking your nose and lying on your eHarmony applications. Thank you for reminding me why we're better than you.

You see, it's not just the winged helmets or the stadium that could engulf yours while still leaving enough space for Rutgers entire fanbase. It's more than that. It's the knowledge that no matter how bad things get with Rodriguez, they'll get better again, whether he's at the helm or not. We'll get back to recruiting the best players in the country. We'll still fill 108,000+ into our stadium every game. We'll still be the national game of the week while you're on ESPNU. We'll get back to 9, 10, 11, and possibly 12 win seasons again. Consistently. We'll get back kicking your ass all over the Big Ten. It's just a matter of time.

And you know it.

You know, I could've wallowed in self pity for a while and forgotten all of that. But you, you clueless toolbags, you reminded me of all this because you couldn't keep your mouths shut. So bear all your hubris in mind when you're down four touchdowns and the visiting Michigan faithful cheering "The Victors" drown out that circus harpsichord you call your band.

Thanks again.


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