Today's post comes from a message board poster calling himself GoBlue#1FanWoo. I did not proof-read this, so consider it sic'd. - B2
What's up Brosef's and Bro-ettes? You don't know me, but in between working out and pounding beers (not to mention ladies, amirite?), I post at typicalummessageboard.com. Man, I was JACKED when these guys asked me to give my opinion on the upcoming season. Last year, man, I must have drank 300 beerz to get that stain outta my mouth. But upon reflecting a bit, and getting my 225 reps up to 15, I realized that 3-9 was really more like 9-3. I mean, seriously, we could have won against Utah, Notre Dame, Toledo, Purdue, Michigan State, and Northwestern. If it weren't for those crappy ref's and the weather, man, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
So needless to say, since we were only 3 bounces from being 9-3 last season, I am JACKED UP for a national title run this season. I mean, look, I've checked out the film on Forcier, and this kid can really wing it. He looks good on the run, and his completion percentage should be up around 80%. Add on to that that we have Denard Robinson - the fastest man in the land - as a change of pace QB, and I think we've got all the ingredients necessary to start rollin' up 50 on fools weekly. I think there's a legitimate claim to be made that Forcier could actually be in the mix for the Heisman at the end of the season. He was the most accurate passer in his recruiting class, and with the receivers that Michigan brings to the table, not to mention a beastly running game with Brandon URSA Minor (he's a star), I think it's setting up nicely for Forcier to be EXACTLY LIKE PAT WHITE except he can throw. Think of it this way: Rodriguez beat Oklahoma and Georgia when he had Pat White. Now, he's got Pat White except this Pat White completes over 80% of his passes. Think about how many options that opens up, dude! There's no way this offense isn't shreddin people from the very start.
Alright, dudes, it's time to get to the schedule:
Western Michigan: Alright, seriously Beauford, how did you not know that Hiller was still the Quarterback at Western Michigan? Aren't you supposed to know these things before you type them, dumbass? JKLOLRONFLMOA. Seriously though, it doesn't matter because Obi "Big" Ezeh will be introducing himself to Hiller early and often. Didn't you hear? The GERG MAN is going to have this defense play AGGRESSIVE. Finally, dude. I look for this to be a little warm up game with the starters sitting in the 4th quarter.
Final Score: 52-10
Notre Dame: I know a few things, and let me tell you that ol' coach buffet-buster doesn't know how to play football. Did you know he never played? I was an all-conference highschool linemen, and I probably know more about football than Weis-my-ass-so-big. And Clausen is 100% gay. Book it.
Final Score: 42-3
Eastern Michigan: I think we call off the dogs a little bit in this game because Ron English, former MICHIGAN MAN, will be on the other sideline. I'm probably going to be so hammered for this game though, I might not even make it to my seat. It won't matter, because I doubt Rodriguez will even bother to start the starters. He'll probably just roll with the 2nd string so we don't embarrass English too much, but will keep Forcier in so that he can pad his Heisman numbers.
Final Score: 35-7
Indiana: Now we're talking, man. Start of the Big Ten Season. I'm FEELIN' IT. What I don't understand is why IU even fields a football team. I mean, they should just stick to basketball ohwaittheysuckatthatto! LOLRONFLMOA. I expect that everyone is going to be jumping on the Forcier for Heisman bandwagon at this point, and it's not slowin down until it reaches NYC baby.
Final Score: 54-0
Michigan State: I watched that movie, 300, and thought that was the gayest shit ever. And like, Michigan State loves it and think it's all about them and shit. I don't get it. Little bro's got a rude awakening coming this season. Those brah's weren't even smart enough to get into Michigan, and like, good luck making it in the world with a Michigan State degree. They print those things in Crayon. Since Michigan State loves that Sparta movie, I say we go all Xerxes on their ass. Actually with the amount of gold and fine women up in his tent, I'd say that's pretty accurate. Plus, D'Antonio lacks class, man, it's just that simple.
Final Score: 42-17
Iowa: Dude, I don't know what the hell Oops Pow is smokin, but it's probably pole. Beauford was right, man, this game is totally winnable. Did you know that Kirk Ferentz's own SON was arrested? I mean, they're not even going to have a team by the time we get up there. Seriously, though, it's sad when young men aren't given the guidence they need, and sadder still that Ferentz is still a coach despite obviously not providing the type of leadership necessary. There's no way those corn-fed fatties up in Hawkeye land are going to be able to stop our lean-mean spreadin' machine. At this point Forcier's gonna definitely have like thousands of yards passing, and no Shonn Green = no more TD's for Iowa. 50-50 that this is a shutout because you either score points or you don't. I'm betting they don't. Book it.
Final Score: 48-0
Deleware State: I'm not even going to bother. It's nice that the kids from Deleware get a chance to play in the BIG HOUSE.
Final Score: 123 to -7
Penn State: We own their asses even if they did get lucky last year. JoePa's corpse will probably be up in the booth for this one, where he can get a fine view of Forcier runnin' and gunnin' through his defense like they're Poland. We're gonna be spreadin' the field like I be spreadin' the legs, which is nightly and often with more than one partner.
Final Score: 35-14
Illinois: Man, if there's one thing the Zooker can't do, it's coach football. These guys got really lucky last year, and I don't see it happening this year. Juice can't throw the ball, and if you tackle him he can't run either. Michigan's going to be undefeated for this one, and they'll be so JACKED that they can't lose. We'll probably be in the top ten going into this game, and it'll take a miracle for Illinois to stop that freight train. I would call this a toss-up but the only thing Illinois tosses is salad. On dudes.
Final Score: 42-13
Purdue: This is another one of those games we should have won last year. No more Tiller, no more Diabeetus. Or oatmeal. Purdue purdon't have the horses to run with us this year. If they were smart, they'd start Siller at QB again just so that Graham gets his fill of blood before they bring in a real QB.
Final Score: 55-3
Wisconsin: Wisconsin got what they had coming last year. They were so lucky that first half, because it easily could have been a blowout. I think this is the last straw for coach cheese head. Michigan's gonna crush them, setting up an undefeated showdown with Ohio State
Final Score: 42-17
Ohio $tate: These classless cheaters are gonna get what's coming to them in a big way. Forcier's gonna be the best QB in the country, and he'll prove it this game. The $uckeye$ are due for a fall in a big way, and St. Tre$$le had better get ready for it. They can't pay enough players to put together a squad that'll be even close to Michigan's. This one's for the last five years, and even though he doesn't understand the rivalry, Rodriguez is gonna hang 60. The $uckeyes are going to be crying all the way back to Columbu$.
Final Score: 61-13
There you have it. I'll save my prediction on who Michigan will be playing for the National Championship for a later post, if Beauford lets me. Let me know what you think in the comments section. Thanks, and GO BLUE!