After suffering, and I mean suffering, through Thom Brenneman's horrific call of the BCS Championship game eariler this year I thought "Goddammit, there's gotta be someone better than this assclown who can call this game." Actually, I think I yelled it. At the top of my lungs. In a crowded bar. I then proceeded to drink the better half of an Olympic Swimming Pool in beer, and forget this little epiphany.
That is, until yesterday.
Credit where credit is due, Kanu beat me to pummeling Thom almost two years ago. I'm sick of people who don't know WTF they're talking about broadcasting college football, and doing it in as pompous and nasally a voice as they can muster. If I'm going to have to sit through four hours of this, just to watch the game I love, at least give me a voice that rocks feeding me bad information. If the voice is soothing and/or awesome, I may just believe the lies you're telling me.
So here's who we need:
Gary Busey - It's the train wreck we can't stop watching. Busey's coked out shenanigans to counter Brenneman's dry as white toast monotone, it's a match made in heaven.
TB: It's third and eight...
GB: Why am I covered in spiders?
TB: Smith checks the bac...
GB: /screaming/
TB: ... steps back to pass...
GB: Why does your name have and "h" in it, is the "h" for "heroin"? Do you have any herion?
TB: ..Got a man open at the hashmarks...
GB: Is it true the field markers are really cocaine? I snorted coke off my dog once. Got a tick in my sinus. That hurts.
TB: Incomplete, missed him by a... Hey!... stop eating my jacket!
GB: I can fly! (jumps out of booth)
We have to make this happen.
James Earl Jones - Not the Field of Dreams, "Ray, I gave an interview," James Earl Jones, but the death stalking 8 foot menace in a black cape and ventilator James Earl Jones. Picture it. Jones covering an ABC Saturday Michigan game. Then he says, "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Forcier." (HT: Mgo)
John Moschitta, Jr. - Better known as "The Micro Machines Guy." Applicable only to the SEC where their southern speed must be matched by speedy banter. Combine him with Triton Holiday and an LSU game will be complete in 26 minutes.
JM:HeresthekickoffcaughtbyholidayhesthroughthewedgeintheopentouchdownwhatareturnkickoffLSUit'satouchbackfirstandtenibackgoingtotherightstoppedforaloss.....
You get the picture.
Donald Sutherland: Throw the guy a bone. You can't tell me that the man that played Hawkeye Pierce (the real Hawkeye, not that fruit basket played by Alan Alda) has been resigned to doing Volvo commercials. That's just not right. With a good southern drawl he's perfect for broadcasting the Big XII.
Sam Elliot: Hell yes. The Perfect Fit. You can have Big Lebowski Sam Elliot or Roadhouse Sam Elliot. Doesn't matter. He's still a bad ass and still going to give you all the gritty analogies your expect from a man who looks like he's taken all life can throw at him, killed it, eaten it, and grown the world's most perfect mustache just to prove it.
TB: And it's all tied up, Miam....
SE: See, I met this grizzly bear once. Sumbitch musta been nine feet tall if he was an inch. Paws like dinner plates, and he got these railroad spikes for teeth. So I'm standing there, taking a leak on a tree, and he wants to fight me. Now I got my dick in one hand and my beer in th' other. So I think to myself, Bear, you don't know what you're gettin yurself into.
/strokes mustache, sips his beer, looks into camera and grins/
Didn't even have to put my beer down.
TB: .....
Houston Nutt - In game. By himself. Giggity.
Bob Uecker (preferably drunk):
Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.
Fred Thompson - I understand he's got some time on his hands after a failed Presidential bid and losing his relection for District Attorney on Law & Order. He looks like a thin Phil Fulmer and has a perfect voice for the air waves, and all that BS down home folksiness is just perfect for a 1pm kick off.
TB: We're all set for kick-off. It's going to be a barn burner wouldn't you say Fred.
FT: That's Senator Thompson to you, you little shit. But listen here, that dog won't hunt because he's got his tail caught in the moonlight before the plow hits the field. Go Vols!
Pat Foley: Greatest voice in sports. I'm biased because I'm a 'Hawks fan, but listen to the silky smoothness and know when this man orders a drink at a bar, every pair of panties within fifteen feet melts like a Popsicle on the equator.
Jon Miller: Another homer pick. I've been an Orioles fan since birth, and probably before that. Miller's voice is golden. He'd be on a Verne Lundquist level of quality immediately. He's needed on any of the networks, just for that voice.
Brian Bosworth - I honestly think Bosworth would be a great addition to any color commentary provided by any of the college football networks. He knows his stuff. He's actually kinda funny. And he'll give you a lot better idea of what's going on the Andre Ware.
Warren Sapp - For my money there is no pro/college player that is more entertaining on camera in street clothes than Warren Sapp. He not some crazy jackass like some of the fruit loops on the Cowboyz, but he's going full throttle stream of consicousness whether you like it or not. Getting him to break down game film for ABC/CBS and give in-game commentary would be epic.
But only if he's got his token half-a-tin-of-Kodiak firmly lodged in his lip.
Who Else? I put it to you, dear reader, who else should we have calling a game?