After following the assinine farce that has been the SEC's month long festival of self-adulation, week long dry humping of Tim Tebow, Mississippi State receruitment video three day Media Extravaganza on Orson's Twitter page, it's readily apparent to me that southern media has hit a new low. Despite all that vaunted ESS EEE SEEE speed, the SEC's media kickoff has dragged on like a listless mid November game between Indiana and Purdue. in 1946. The result of this festival of self-suckitude was heartily summed up by Pat Forde in 1000 words of nothingness. 1,000 words on the great mystery of who didn't vote for Tim Tebow as a First Team SEC quarterback. Stunning in its vapidness. It's like a blackhole of words. Absolutely nothing contained therein, and a force so strong it actually sucks the thoughts right out of your mind as your read it, leaving you drooling on your keyboard in utter disbelief that anything this meaningless could ever end up in print. Three days of this crap that is finally, mercifully, coming to a close. So how can the Big Ten top this display of inadequacy?
They invited me.
This is the equivalent of saying to a child, "Stop playing with those Legos, play with this loaded .357." Truly, I'm uncertain whether I'll do more harm to myself or the assembled media. But for two full days of endless platitudes, recycled canned content, and basking in the presence of the Space Emperor, I'll be there to bring you my flawed, biased take on what's going down. But this is not 'Nam, this is football. There are rules. There is a line, and I promise not to go over it.
Here are things I promise not to do:
1. I will not ask any player or coach if they are a virgin. I will, however, ask this of most of the assembled media.
2. Ask whether Joe Paterno would be more comfortable doing his interview from the booth.
3. Inquire with Brett Beileima whether he's already started stealing office supplies and furniture in anticipation of another rough year.
4. Which one of you didn't vote Tim Tebow as First Team All Big Ten. (Now we know! It was that Bastard Spurrier!).
5. Ask Bill Lynch which fan at Indiana is his favorite.
6. Insist the bartender card Pat Fizgerald.
7. Challenge Ron Zook to a waterskiing competition on the Chicago River.
8. Ask Kirk Ferentz for a loan.
9. Look Jim Tressel in the eye, for fear that he will consume my soul.
10. Go up to Darryl Clark and say "I thought you'd be bigger."
Now, the fun things I will do.
1. Stock up on the free shwag. If the SEC gets all this crap, I'm going to need a forklift for all the media guides I'll be taking home to dissect.
2. Get some details from Mark Ortmann on how the Offensive line is coming together and who he sees competing to play in the two deep.
3. Tweet this shizzle till my fingers bleed.
4. Talk the talk with real journalists and figure out how all this sports media stuff really works in the 9-5 world.
5. Ask Zoltan if one of his punts was responsible for knocking Pluto off its orbit and earning it a demotion from Planet status.
6. Get the low down from Stevie Brown on his time at Michigan, adjustments he's had to make as a player and person, and how he sees his senior year turning out.
7. Ask PSU's Sean Lee about his road back from injury, how he's running now, and his prospects for the season.
8. Ask OSU's Kurt Coleman*, Sr., DB about the state of the Michigan Ohio State rivalry. What he expects in Ann Arbor this season.
9. Find out from Zook just how good Jarred Fayson is.
10. Try not to embarrass myself.
If you're looking for me, I'll be the guy in the clown suit. Got any questions? Put 'em in the comments and I'll do my best.