Well. It's that time again. National Championship Game time. Time to drink too much, eat too much, and watch teams play for a National Championship that should rightfully be ours (Records be damned! It's ours! Ours! OURS!).
Hands sold separately
By the narrowest of margins, Michigan missed out on playing for the National Championship this year. Stupid computers. Stupid voters. Stupid opponents not losing to us. But still, but for the narrowestest of margins, we'd be there. Really. But we're not and we're forced to watch someone else play for the crystal football this year.
So, in an effort to get you interested about a game that does not involve Michigan, we've decided to give you some insight into who and how you should root when the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and the University of Texas Longhorns kick off tonight. We'll take a look at the players and coaches, past records against Michigan, blogs, and whatever else I feel is funny or warranted and try to sort through the morrass to tell you who you should be rooting for tonight.
First off, the players. Who's connected to Michigan? Points are awarded for each player from the state of Michigan on each team's roster. Bonus points will be awarded for each Michigan player legitimately contributing to the team.
Alabama: RB Mark Ingram, Flint, Michigan. You might of heard of him. +15
Texas: None. There are just seven non Texas players on the roster. Sheesh. Minus points for being so xenophobic. -2
Second issue. How many players are from Ohio? Obviously, if you're from Ohio and don't decide to play for Michigan, then you are evil. And your team must be punished accordingly.
Alabama: RB Mike Marrow (FR) from Holland Ohio. You exist, therefore you are punished. -5
Texas: None. Bonus points for being so xenophobic. +10
Third, Coaches. Did any of them attend Michigan? Bonus points for playing at Michigan. Points are likewise deducted for Ohio State and Michigan State alumni on staff. Thems the rules.
Texas: None either way. Seriously guys, there's a world north of the panhandle. It exists. I've seen it. (+10 for no bad guys.)
Alabama: Nick. Fucking. Saban. Former Head Coach of Michigan State. While his record really wasn't that impressive against Michigan (2-3), he's still a part of the enemy. Jim McElwain, 2003-2005 he was the receivers coach at MSU. FAIL. Joe Pendry? Another MSU coach. Double FAIL. -15
wait a second....... Bobby Williams?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... oh... my sides..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... .... oh god... tears... Bonus points for giving poor Bobby Williams a job. +10
What is each teams record against Michigan? Points given for having a losing record and deducted for not cowering before our fancy helmets. Bonus points awarded for losing in a BCS Bowl to Michigan.
Alabama: Haha! We're 2-1 against 'Bama! Wooo! And that includes a BCS win! Wooo! Bonus points. +5 for winning record and +2 for BCS win!
Texas: 0-1. That game broke my heart. I wish a thousand deaths upon you, Texas of 2005. -15. I'm still bitter.
Past and Present players of note. Points are deducted for players that I loathe. Points added for badasses.
Alabama: My favorite non-Michigan player of all time is George Teague. This is why:
but strips him of the ball and returns it to the 15. I can watch it endlessly.
+10 for general awesomeness.
Texas: Vince Young. I may hate you with the burning fury of 1000 suns, but I can't deny your college awesomeness. He was the best college football player I've seen since Tommy Fraiser personally pig blapped the entire Big XII and SEC for Nebraska. You just couldn't stop either one of them. And Vince was probably better.
+15 for doing this to Matt Leinart.
Blogs. What are the teams' web presences like?
Alambama: Roll Bama Roll.
Texas: Burnt Orange Nation.
Push. Both are awesome.
How will either team's victory effect Michigan? Think about it. It really all boils down to Michigan in the end anyway, so lets see how this is going to impact Michigan in the long run.
Texas: Yeah. Notsomuch. Texas doesn't really recruit outside of the south, let a lone really outside of Texas. We dont' really compete with them that often for recruits. We'll never play them. The only way we even contest the Big XII is if we end up in the Alamo Bowl again (please, God, never, never again). Plus, the rest of the Big XII is really down right now. So even if Texas comes away with a win, big deal. It's not going to hurt us outside of the occassional Texas tailback or receiver.
+5 for minimal impact.
Alabama: This could be bad. Saban and his henchmen have their paws firmly dug into the state of Michigan. Half his staff worked with him at MSU. Alabama and Michigan go head to head against one another for recruits across the country. So a Bama win could impact Michigan's pull inside it's own borders until Michigan pulls itself out of the duldrums and starts winning again. A Bama win combined with Saban's recruiting prowess would make things even harder on the recruiting trail when the schools lock horns over a high value recruit. Outside of that there's also the prospect of Bama playing Penn State next year, the SEC RULEZ aspect, and Bobby Williams. An Alabama win will have far more of an impact on Michigan on and off the field than if the Longhorns grab the crystal ball tonight.
-10 for potential recruiting conflicts, SEC RULEZ!, and the PSU/Bama hype that's sure to come.
So whats the verdict, smart guy?
Well the tallies come to Texas 23 points, Alabama 12.
There you have it. The best outcome for Michigan tonight is a Texas win. So I guess you can root accordingly. Or not watch it at all. Michigan is playing Penn State tonight in hoops