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What Emo Rich Rodriguez Should've Done at the Michigan Football Bust

It happened. There's no getting around it. But we at Maize n Brew don't fault Michigan head football coach Rich Rodriguez for baring his soul on stage. Far from it. Lord knows we've gone into hysterical crying fits at Korean Karaoke when they don't have Morris Day and the Time's opus, "Jungle Love." A real man isn't afraid of what's on the inside coming out in deep throbbing sobs. Ain't no shame in Kleenx, boys.

What we do fault Coach Rodriguez for is the musical selection. I mean even Josh Groban is sick of Josh Groban. Coach, if you're going to make an impassioned statement to your players, Michigan's fans, and your boss you've gotta select the right song. You know. Something to set the mood. Emo is good if emo is done right.

So, for a moment let's get in our way back machines and set the flux capacitor to how it should've been on the night of December 2, 2010.


It is towards the end of the Michigan Football Bust, Michigan's annual awards banquet. The rubber chicken has been served and devoured. Grumpy alumni stare at their watches wondering when they can get to the bar downstairs, stupid NCAA rules about booze. The awards have been handed out and all that is left are the remarks of Michigan's head coach, Rich Rodriguez. Rich starts with a joke, talks football, but all of a sudden the speech takes a deeper, more serious turn. Rich talks about the importance of family, of support, and of funkiness.

The lights dim. Rose pedals drop from the ceiling. A dim, rose spotlight shines on Rodriguez, who is suddenly clad only in white polyester jeans, a Gemini medallion, and sunglasses. Suddenly candles flicker to life around Dave Brandon's table and the smooth sounds of Al Green fill the room. Rodriguez reaches for the microphone, which is now covered in what appears to be deep shag carpeting. Tate and Denard suddenly appear in the background, softly crooning into a 1960's style mic. The music begins to reach its crescendo and Rodriguez sings.......

I want to be Maize and Blue
Do whatever you want to do
Just don't fire meeeeee
'Cause I've got a house with a poooool
Firing me would be so uncoooool.

My defense, baby, well its sucked worse than the weather
Ooooh, I promise it'll get better
Just you wait and seeeeee
Wait till we have backs, running tooooooo
And a DC with a fuck-ing cluuuuuuuuuuuuueee

Ooh, Brandon, let's, let's stay together
/Tate and Denard: together/
Taking us to
/us to/
/chorus/ Us to nine and three with a brand new DC
oooohhh ooooooh
/chorus/ Us to nine and three with a brand new DC

Why Brandon, why would you want Harbaugh?
You know he'll just break the law
With another Deeeewwwwweeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy

On New Years, I'll get the defense going
Ooh, you know my rhymes are flowing...
We'll beat the Essss EEEEE Seeeeeeeeee

Ooh, Brandon, let's, let's stay together
Coaching us to
/chorus/ Us to nine and three with a brand new DC
Ooh, Brandon, let's, let's stay together
Coaching us to
/chorus/ Us to nine and three with a brand new DC

Applause flows through the Detroit Athletic Club as Rodriguez accepts a bouquet of flowers for his performance. The propane to the hot seat has been officially tuned off as Brandon realizes it is he whom the spotlight is now on. How can he not keep this man? /scene

(Coach, we love you here at Maize n Brew, but you knew a little parody was coming your way. We can't help it. It's just how the universe... er... how we roll.)