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Maize n Brew EXCLUSIVE: Additional Self-Imposed Sanctions Hidden In Michigan's NCAA Response!

As everyone knows at this point, the University of Michigan has announced self-imposed sanctions relating to alleged NCAA Rules violations occurring over the last two years. SCM has examined these allegations posed by the NCAA Investigation, sifted through Michigan's responses at length, and come to the conclusion that while the infractions were indeed minor, they demanded an appropriate response. Which Michigan has issued, officially. However, after carefully combing through Michigan's response we at Maize n Brew have uncovered a separate, OMG SECRET!1!!!!!11!!!!, list of self-imposed sanctions that will affect the Football Team for the next three years:

  • Players' individual nap times reduced by half an hour during the off-season;
  • Denard Robinson now required to tie shoelaces;
  • "Donut Friday" officially cancelled;
  • Individuals named in the NCAA investigation now required to wear "Dunce" cap while in office or on practice field.
  • University will no longer run live electric current through Free Press "writers" pressbox seats;
  • Michigan now required to enter Stadium to Brenda Lee's "I'm Sorry";
  • Michigan required to take down banners earned in 2008 and 2009 for "Worst Seasons Ever" due to unfair competitive advantage gained from extra stretching;
  • Training Table will no longer include Pop Tarts;
  • Quality Control staffers who failed to provide adequate monitoring of CARA reports to be drawn and quartered during half-time of UConn home opener;
  • In a related note, the Michigan Marching Band will accompany this, playing Alice Cooper's "No More Mr. Nice Guy";
  • Rodriguez forbidden from chest bumping players at any time, under any circumstance;
  • Morgan Trent granted extra year of eligibility and will receive constant praise regardless of his on field performance;

More fun after the jump

  • All cursing and swearing is banned. Rodriguez will be forced to use the phrases "poopy pants", "gosh darnit", "diere aire", "doo-doo", and "Bob" went disciplining players;
  • Locker Room to be painted pink. Visitors' locker room, that is;
  • Rodriguez forced to read, then watch "Cinderella Man", deliver book report to Lloyd Carr and Russell Crowe within 60 days;
  • Cheerleaders will be made homely, unattractive again..... and all dudes (nooooooooooooooooooooooo!);
  • Mike Hart will retroactively apologize to Little Brother for calling Little Brother, Little Brother, even though MSU is... well... a Little Brother, so he's sorry, Little Brother;
  • Athletic Director forbidden from sailing for remainder of 2010 season, 2011;
  • Michigan will admit participation in Kennedy Assassination, Rodriguez was gunman on grassy knoll;
  • Athletic Department now responsible for monitoring Kwame Kilpatrick's whereabouts;
  • All Michigan personnel now required to drive 1990's era GM cars as punishment; and
  • Rodriguez to wear a skirt during breast cancer awareness month.

So, as you can see, the athletic department takes these allegations seriously and has responded with appropriate action. We'll keep you posted as we uncover further details.