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Dave Brandon Remembers You, And What You Said

Dave Brandon as quoted by the Detroit News:

"There were some people out there who did it (to Michigan), and I remember who they are, and I remember what they said. And we'll leave it at that - other than, I remember who they are, and I remember what they said. Those people who took great glee in the fact that we got ourselves in that kind of situation. I'll never do that."

Scene: It's a moonless night in the midwest. A whisp of dark, grey clouds float far overhead and a faint trickle of light eminates from the few stars that warrily peirce the darkness. Athletic Director ________ of [Some Northern School in the Big Ten That Rhymes with _______] walks out of the athletic department offices and begins the short walk to the adjacent parking garage.

"That's strange," he thinks to himself inbetween mentally singing the verses of Copacabana, "I thought we had lights on this pathway. Oh well."

As he walks toward the garage, _________ notices things are eeriely dark. Looking up from his blackberry he sees that there are no lights in the parking garage. Looking behind him he sees darkness as well. Only the faint glow of the town and the department building. Suddenly, a single overhead street light flickers to life, allowing barely enough light to reveal a shadowy figure walking toward him.


"Good evening Mr. _________."

Terrified, ___________ lets out a wimper. "Who... who are you? Why can't I see you?"

"You know who I am. Whether you can see me or not is immaterial. I believe you possess something that belongs to me."

"Take the Beanie Babies! Here!" /empties briefcase onto ground/ "Leave me alone!"

"Fool. Your physical possessions are of little consequence to me. I am surprised you don't remember why I am here. I certainly do."

"What are you talking about!?" /starts to backpedal/

"I wouldn't do that."

_______ watches as the shadowy figure pulls something from his pocket and appears to point it at him. Instantly he freezes in his tracks.

"What do you want from me!?"

"You know what I want. I want this knife you stuck into my back taken out. I want an apology."


Sweat begins to pour from ________'s balding brow and he suddenly begins to regret the chimichunga he'd eaten for lunch.

"Come now _______. You were so free with words last year. I've seen the emails. Heard the calls. You were practically giddy when you got the news. You sounded like a little fat kid at an all you can eat pizza buffet."

_________'s mind begins to race.

"Last year, what happened," he thinks, "I bought that stupid Prius for my wife and she took my Caddy instead. My 'recruiting' trip to the Philippines... man... wish I hadn't paid for that on university's credit card. There was the stripper party we kept quiet.... what does he mean?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," _______ finally says.

"Of course you do." /the Shadowy figure moves closer/ "You should be more careful _________. It's not wise to kick someone when they're down. Especially when that someone is bigger, stronger, and more financially secure than you and your pissant college are."

"Are you from the bank? Is this about my mortgage? I told you, I'm a little behin..."

"No you moron! You heard the news last summer and couldn't contain yourself. You had to tell everyone how stupid we were for getting pinched for stretching and how much fun it was to watch the new guy flounder."

"Wait.... Brandon! Is that YOU!?"

The lights above them suddenly come on, revealing a smiling Brandon with a glowing taser in his right hand

Bilde_medium "That's right __________. And have I got a shock for you."


The following morning _________ slowly begins to awaken. The pounding in his head is so intense that he momentarily forgets the night before. Then, suddenly, it comes back in a rush. The night. The lights. Brandon. Shaken to his core, he sits bolt upright in his bed, touching every part of his upper torso, checking it for damage. Nothing. He lets out a long sigh of relief. It was just a drea...

"Wait...." he thinks, "why is the bed wet? Did I wet myself again? No. Wait... Is that blood? What the....



As ___________'s screams echo off the concrete walls of his bunker, a sleek black American made sedan slowly rolls out of ________'s driveway. As Eminem plays quietly in the background, with his left hand on the wheel, the driver allows a smile to crease his face.

"One down," says Brandon, "so many more to go....."

His smile disappears as he places thick black sunglasses over his eyes. With the slightest pressure on the accelerator, the big V8 roars to life, and it is as if he was never there.