clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Since We're Talking About Mascots: A Modest Proposal, Jack Donaghy For Michigan Mascot

Since we're on the subject of selecting a new Mascot for the University of Michigan, we at Maize n Brew have a modest proposal. Select Jack Donaghy as Michigan's newest mascot.

Fluffy, plushy mascots are for the whittling, weak-minded, jug-blowing, IHOP-monkeys of lesser schools. Michigan is not one of those places. Michigan is for the strong. We take our problems, your problems, the world's problems and crush them with our mind vice. And for those problems we can't crush, we cope for them with sex and awesomeness. Donaghy, like us, wears designer suits, loves scotch, and parties with world leaders. He is perfect candidate for Michigan's new Mascot.

Sure there are obvious problems. First, he's a Princeton man. But then again, Fritz Crisler was Princeton's athletic director before returning to Michigan. In doing so Crisler brought along Princeton's winged helmets which are now the iconic symbol of our program. So this wouldn't be the first time Michigan's pilfered something from Princeton and called it its own.

Second, what about the kids? Isn't the point of a mascot to bond with the younger generation and make them fans at an earlier age? I fail to see the problem. Kids are easily impressionable. If a 3 year-old can sing Justin Bibler we're teaching them the wrong things. All the younger generation needs to see Michigan in action to realize what awesomeness is. What kid doesn't want to be awesome? Michigan is awesome. Donaghy is, by the transitive property, awesome. It is summed up thusly:

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

A Donaghy Mascot arrangement would be beneficial in that it will appeal to the older Michigan fan base (with his understanding of the Chicago School of Economics and conservative leanings), to our young alumni (who go to Ross, the Law School, Med School, Residential College, etc...), and to the younger fans (who need to learn how to be awesome).

Pull the trigger on this Brandon, make Donaghy our mascot.