As you're aware, we at Maize n Brew are trying to help the Michigan Athletic Department and fanbase find an appropriate mascot for the University of Michigan. It's a tough job. We've suggested two great potential mascots: Jack Donaghy and The World's Most Interesting Man. Sadly, neither has officially been chosen.
We'll find out soon enough whether or not Michigan will have a mascot, but what's really interesting is the potential mascots that the AD's committee considered but rejected. Through our own little Freedom of Information Request we obtained the list of mascots the department has already considered (and by FOIA request, we mean imagination). Large chunks were redacted, but we're here to give you all the information we've discerned from the documents we
stole recovered. Maybe some day we'll actually get back to talking about football. Maybe.
Discarded Candidate One: Angry Big Bird
The Skinny: He's big. He's yellow. He's a childhood favorite. And he'll pop a cap in your ass if you look at him sideways. Angry Big Bird don't play. A natural fit with the program right? Plumage fits Michigan's color scheme and what's more frightening than an 8 foot bird with feet the size of a Toyota Yaris and a fully loaded AK coming 'atcha? Nothing. Years of children's programming under his belt means that whole generations of fans have grown up with him and learned to forgive his faults. Instant name and visual recognition are a pus as well.
With funding for the childrens television network languishing in a congressional subcommittee, Big Bird recently turned to gansta rap as a way to make ends meet. It is important to note that there's always a message involved in his albums. Not necessarily a positive message. But a message none the less. Hits like "Ernie's Dead" and "RIP OSKR" give the A.B.B. the street cred with the younger generation of Michigan fans but his downright cuteness helps hook the younger generations as well.
Reason for Passing: Highly unstable and insists on taking his gun with him everywhere he goes. Reported split with Elmo Shakur has led him to believe there are people waiting to get him where ever he sees Red. Insisted on being paid more than Greg Mattison and having his "crew" on the payroll.
Discarded Candidate Two: The Noid
The Skinny: He's available. He's well known. He'll cut Brandon a break on the price. He's even got his own video game. He'll appeal to any product of the 80's and 90's, and that's really the demographic you're aiming to exploit anyway.
So much more after the jump.......
Reason for Passing: He's the Noid. Hasn't worked since '92. Unreliable. Colored red. Reported Meth addiction.
Discarded Candidate Three: Bailout - The Michigan SUV
The Skinny: From the heart of Detroit, here's Bailout! The heart and soul of the Michigan Auto Industry and the one thing that propped up profits while crippling new development. Since Michigan's engineering students overwhelmingly end up working for the big three an hour down the road from Ann Arbor, it's a perfect fit. On top of that it creates a new revenue stream from the big three to pump money into Bailout's new body style without ever having to change the person inside the mascot suit. And besides, what Michigan frat boy or sorority girl doesn'twant a brand new, gas guzzling SUV parked on their lawn? Isn't Bailout sooo cute?
Reason for Passing: Potential problems down the include: bankruptcy, Government intervention, union contracts, pension revisions, and bursting into flame if Bailout misses his flip and lands on his gas tank. Unstable at high speed and obscenely expensive to keep operational. Also, tends not to want to work when the temperature dips.
Discarded Candidates 4 and 5: Binnie II and Biff II
The Skinny: Real. Life. Wolverines. The meanest, nastiest creatures on God's green Earth. Capable of taking down animals and prey fourtimes its size and capable of consuming nearly twice its body weight in meat over the course of a day. The Bad Ass factor here is off the scale. The only Mascot that would be on par with the return of Bennie and Biff would be our homie, Mike VI at LSU. Any time you have a live, caged animal capable of not just killing its foe, but consuming it whole, you have total WIN.
Reason for Passing: Um... They're live Wolverines. We're not talking about some pansy ass honey badger. We're talking about two full sized Wolverines that usually have a 100 mile range in the open and are the largest member of its genus on the planet. I mean they don't have a natural predator, meaning they're pretty much used to killing and eating whatever they want. That includes whomever Michigan decided to assign to watching these furry garbage disposals. So, getting back to the obvious, how in the hell would Michigan care for these things? They need a massive habitat. They eat more than most of the football team on a daily basis. And they'll eat their handlers if given the opportunity. And... let's face it, with workers compensation law the way it is these days the last thing you want is having to argue a case where one of your employees was eaten alive.
Additiondal Discarded Candidates
Our Buddies at Autumn Thunder did a piece on this back in 2007. The results aren't pretty and speak for themselves. All of these have been rejected. Thank God.
We'll keep you posted as we learn more.