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Michigan vs Indiana: Player Ratings as Beers

Michigan played in a game with fireworks both offensive and defensive. Naturally, that means the player ratings are skewed heavily to the extremes.

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

(edited to include Zach's penchant for horse piss. -Shash)

Five Stars: Bell's Two Hearted

Very few people can find fault with this beer. If you can, you're a doofus.

Devin Gardner - When the announcers started talking about the Michigan passing record I was a bit shocked that it was so low.  I won't ever be shocked anymore.  Gardner was on fire, throwing for 503 yards and two touchdowns without an interception.  He also ran for 81 yards and three more touchdowns, and his ability to pick up yards on the ground from the shotgun and when plays broke down were oftentimes the difference. - Zach

Jeremy Gallon - I'm not sure I should have him as a five-star, because he deserves even more. Breaking the Michigan and B1G receiving yardage records for a single game speaks for itself. It's clear that DG trusts him. That's going to be key moving forward, but perhaps a bigger key will be getting consistency. If Gallon's next game is 4 catches for 30 yards, then I'm going to be upset. -Shash

That Girl - I must say, I saw this on TV and immediately assumed this would be GIF'd around the nation. And it doesn't disappoint, hundreds of views later:

Via Gifulmination/Mocksession. Also, big props to the lady herself for giving an interview and rolling with it. Leaders and best, folks.

Four Stars: New Belgium Fat Tire

Generally well-liked, but not quite perfect. A very solid option if you can't find anything better.

Fitz - 4.6 or whatever YPC is a great start. Looked better in space, but had a hard time getting there at times. Scored a couple touchdowns. Generally happy. Obviously not all of this is on him - but I'm still very concerned about lots of negative/very short gain plays. Seems more comfortable running from the shotgun, which is whatever. All in all, M's best RB performance of the season but not a dominating performance. -Shash

Al Borges - When you score 63 points it's a good thing. Still a little flummoxed at times by insistence on running from under center - it just hasn't worked well. I liked how he had the reins off of Gardner all game, which is good (when DG doesn't throw picks...) Line shuffling is still a concern and can SOMEONE please make a run into the pile five yards? The biggest plus here is the number of times he let Devin Gardner throw deep - and how successful it was. -Shash

Three Stars: Anything from Blue Moon

Can anyone really say that Blue Boon is their favorite beer? There's nothing THAT wrong with it, but it's just in reality an average beer.

Thomas Gordon - Probably the best and only option for three-stars, Thomas Gordon had two of the biggest defensive plays of the game with his late interceptions.  He also didn't register another defensive statistic through a game in which Indiana threw 43 passes, and on one second half touchdown he took a bad angle that took him out of position for a touchdown saving tackle.  Three stars breaks even for his up and down day. -Zach

Two Stars: Sam Adams Summer Ale

I think some people like this but those people are foolish. This is not a balanced beer. Really, just go have something else, like their fantastic Oktoberfest.

Interior Line - Another blergh performance. DG wasn't hassled too much but holy pants Michigan's running game up the middle sucks. I don't know what to say anymore. Let's just get through this season and hope Michigan can develop those interior players. Another injury to Joey B didn't help here, but like, is it too much to ask for a fullback and big back to gain four to six yards on a power on first down, not lose two? These used to be automatic five years ago. -Shash

Defensive Preparation - Everyone knew Indiana was going to push the tempo in the game.  Everyone, that is, except Michigan's coaching staff, which seemed to have the team not quite ready for the fastest paced offense in the nation.  On the bright side, Michigan won't face an offense that fast again this year.  On the not-so-bright side, Michigan's three November opponents that run the spread are probably going to watch tape of that game. -Zach

One Star: All those Redd's flavors

These aren't beer. They're fruit coolers. Get out of here.

The Center-QB exchange - Three fumbles in three games (right?) is not a good thing. In a game like this, you have to know your center and QB are always on the same page. Gordon's interception bailed Michigan out here, but you can't turn the ball over - especially not on the simplest part of any play. -Shash

Corner Coverage - Credit where credit is due, Indiana's quarterbacks (like Akron and Notre Dame's before it) made some really impressive down field throws into tight coverage.  However, almost only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades, and Michigan was blown up a number of times by coverage that was almost there.  Raymon Taylor was caught out of position on a couple plays due to the tempo, but Channing Stribling was once again torched multiple times.  This unit is young, but it needs to grow up a lot faster as the offenses improve in November. - Zach

Tackling in Space - Simply atrocious.  Playing a team like Indiana means that you absolutely have to execute one-on-one tackles on the edges of the field or risk turning 3 or 5 yards into 10 or 15.  Michigan failed at this spectacularly.  It was one of the worst tackling games from a Greg Mattison coached defense that I can remember.  Michigan needs to work these issues out in the next couple weeks, because Nebraska, Northwestern, and Ohio State will be much less forgiving. -Zach

No Stars: Heineken


Zach Travis - Zach tried to talk me out of having Heineken rated very poorly. His reasoning via GChat:

Zach: what can I say, I have a soft spot for the horse piss