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MnB B1G Preview: Purdue's Schedule Means Disappointing a Little Girl

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It's that time of year again; time for Maize n Brew's Big Ten football preview! I'll be taking a look at everyone's schedule during this series. First up: Purdue.

Purdue football is about to disappoint this little girl. Shame on you, Purdue!
Purdue football is about to disappoint this little girl. Shame on you, Purdue!
Brian Spurlock-US PRESSWIRE

Yes, Purdue still plays football...because dressing up like something means you are that thing, right? Or am I just applying my kids' logic from their dress-up sessions?

Who They Play

Date Opponent Will Purdue Win or Lose?
8/30 Western Michigan Win
9/6 Central Michigan Win
9/13 Notre Dame (primetime!)
Lose
9/20 Southern Illinois Lose
9/27 Iowa Lose
10/4 @ Illinois Lose
10/11 Michigan State Lose
10/18 @ Minnesota Lose
11/1 @ Nebraska Lose
11/8 Wisconsin Lose
11/22 Northwestern Lose
11/29 @ Indiana Lose

Okay, so where do I start with this ball of crap? ""If you like punting, you are going to love 2014 Purdue football"--Travis Miller (Hammer and Rails).

That's one hell of a vote of confidence from Mr. Miller! I, too, am predicting another wonderful season for the guys with choo-choo tracks on their helmets (gawd, those are awful).

Way to schedule all the directional schools, too; how's that workin' out for you? By the way, is it time to start considering Northwestern a directional?

Most Winnable Game: Western Michigan. The Broncos were just as atrocious as the Boilermakers were last year, winning only one game, but both teams were under first year head coaches. Western's P.J. Fleck may be an up-and-comer, but Darrell Hazell should have Purdue playing well enough for one week for Boiler fans to forget that they are a sucking chest wound of a team. If Purdue happens to lose this game? Just forfeit the rest of the season. Here's a little bit of what the Boilermakers can expect to see...


Hey, if Iowa can do it, so can Purdue. Maybe.

Guaranteed Loss: uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh...most of them. Seriously. Have you looked at that schedule? Did you watch any Purdue football last season? Man, that was a stupid question; of course you didn't. No one did.

A Bunch of Other Words

It's just going to be a rough year for the Boilermakers. The athletic department may want to provide some sort of counseling after home games against Michigan State and Wisconsin; the fans who do show up to Ross-Ade may suffer some form of PTSD by the end of those games.

There's also the primetime match-up with Notre Dame. For some unknown reason, someone out there believes that people want to spend a Saturday evening watching Purdue football. I thought primetime was supposed to be for marquee games like Michigan at UConn...D'oh!

Road trips to Minnesota and Nebraska are going to be difficult. Minnesota was a surprise last year and should have their opponents thinking twice about looking past them, and Nebraska is always tough in Lincoln...unless they're playing UCLA.

Hey, they do get to play the other suppurating wound of a team: Illinois. That one could actually be enjoyable from a "let's see who wants to be second to last" perspective.

Final Prediction

2-10 and 0-fer in the Big Ten for the Purdue Boilermakers. But at least they're working on important things like scoreboards, because you'll win more games if you have a cool scoreboard.

Also, that little girl at the top of the page is going to be very sad when she witnesses another football death by her Boilermakers. Please, Purdue, do it for the children!