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A Visit from St. Footballis

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Our traditional ode to the start of the season, Twas the Day before Football Christmas!

Gregory Shamus

It’s the Day the Before Football, I couldn’t sleep last night,
Tomorrow it starts, kick off at twilight.
How will I work? I don’t even know.
My give-a-fuck meter is under zero

Scurilina and Aggie, they christen our year,
With rushes and passes and icy cold beer.
Now it is fall and there’s football to see,
Abandon your family, buy a bigger TV.

A flick of the screen and there’s Herbie’s face!
"What a season we’ve got! It’ll be quite a race!"
Eminem was so stoned, he couldn’t see straight,
But I’m back again, this season’ll be great.

"Now Texas! Now, Georgia! Now, Michigan and Clemson!
On, Oregon! On, Utah! On Temple, Wisconsin!
Bama’s Number 1, it’s them you must beat!
This season will keep you on the edge of your seat!"

Good bye BCS, I doubt we’ll miss you,
Now we’ve got a playoff that’s shiny and new.
What promise it brings, its glory we shall see,
When the selection committee makes it all SEC.

What an offseason it’s been, oh where do we start?
It was really pretty rotten, like a Charlie Weis fart.
If you’re hungry dear Jameis, just scramble some eggs,
But don’t be a dumbass and steal Publix crab legs.

There were deweys, possessions and arrests galore,
But none of them match that dash out the door.
Thankfully coaches headline most of our rhyme,
For their offseason lunacy took up most our time.

The shocker of all was Chris Petersen leaving
A decade at Boise, and all that BCS winning.
Now he’ll coach UDub, whose coach went away,
To coach SC and merry old LA.

But speaking of Trojans, Nick what the fuck?
You hired Lane Kiffin? Are you down on your luck?
There were a million other coaches, what, were you torn?
Good luck with that. He’ll call you Butthorn.

Mack Brown is out, Charlie Strong moved right in,
Muscles and all, he’d still better win.
The NFL called and O’Brien went packin,
So Penn State scooped up a willing James Franklin.

But the winner of all was our friend Bo Pelini
Who gave up the ghost and went batshit crazy.
He’s dressing in red, he’s carrying a cat,
He’s dressed like a car salesman. Cell phone? Meet bat.

If only Bo’d visit the troubled NCAA
I’m sure he’d get busy, and have something to say.
Ed O’Bannon’s lawsuit, NCAA meet boot,
You finally have to give players some of your loot.

Speaking of which, good lord SEC.
You’re raking in cash, you’re network TV.
Vandy and Kentucky may be a ratings low,
But TEBOWTEBOWTEBOWTEBOWTEBOW.

There’s so much more, Christ what to say?
"Ah, Fuck it," said Corso, "Let’s not ruin our day."
Football is here, so let’s stop all this thinking.
Let’s break out the cooler, and start our day drinking.

All the off season nonsense has come to a close.
No more stories about change and hair in corn rows.
There are games to be played, and stories to share.
Good god its, perfect, like Kingsbury’s hair.

Now everyone’s tied, nothin and nothin.
Every team’s got some hope that this year will be somethin.
Aggie and Scuralina are ready to fight,
Tomorrow at 5, it’s kickoff allright.

Today rest well, your stamina you will need,
Your hunger for College Football, tonight it will feed.
As I look at the tube, I see Herb in my sight,
"College Football for all, and for all a good-night!"