Another week, another opportunity to get depressingly drunk and sob about the state of Michigan football. What? Don't act like that wasn't you last week. That was definitely you last week.
Michigan welcomes its second terrible opponent of the year to the Big House in week three, and we're looking for a lot of points. We're also looking for Blake Countess and the Michigan secondary to give up next to nothing. Is that too much to ask for? The world is all we want, Brady Hoke. Only the entire world.
Let's take a look at six match-ups you should be eying as another meaningless victory approaches.
1. Devin Gardner vs. Nightmares of Turnovers Past
Devin Gardner has played in his share of games versus MAC teams. He opened the 2013 season by throwing the ball directly to a Chippewa defender, which was only cruel foreshadowing. We'd like to see him take care of the football and connect on a few deep balls to the best wide receiver in the conference.
2. Blake Countess vs. Toaster Strudels
No one on Michigan's roster is feeling the heat from last week's loss more than corner Blake Countess. Donning the legendary number two jersey, Countess was expected to be Michigan's best pure cover corner. Notre Dame flipped that assumption on its head, burning Countess time and time again. He's not big enough to take on physical receivers and has trouble staying with elite athletes, so it's a good thing that Miami won't present any of those.
3. Jourdan Lewis vs. Useless Fear
Jourdan Lewis was my pick to take Blake Countess' spot before the season began, and he looked like Michigan's best corner last Saturday despite racking up two pass interference calls that were both totally unnecessary. He was in great position to prevent completions on both of those penalties, but he refused to locate the ball after the receiver's eyes lit up. He's going to be a special player if he can learn to master reading eyes, and Miami will certainly give him opportunities to showcase some improvement.
4. Frank Clark vs. Almost Awesome Frank Clark
Notre Dame threw quick, surgical passes for most of Saturday's game, which rendered Frank Clark's spin moves and bull rushes complete useless. Will he continue to roll into opponents' backfields? Gun to my head, I'm taking him to get at least two sacks against a bad Miami offense.
5. Devin Funchess vs. Doug Nussmeier
This turned out to be a real problem last week. Funchess nearly had double-digit catches, but the Wolverines only completed one pass over the top to its dominant receiver. Nussmeier probably won't call too many vertical passes against a team that is going to give up points on the ground, but I still want to see at least a few bombs to Honey Funchess of Oates.
6. BTN vs. The Curse of BTN
The Horror happened on BTN. Michigan nearly lost to Akron on BTN. A lot of Big Ten teams have lost to crappy teams on the Big Ten Network. Let's not add to the pile this week, okay?
I'm drinking Atwater Vanilla Java Porter this Saturday because I'm big into coffee and I'm probably going to experience a sudden feeling of tiredness right before Michigan kicks off. Maybe I can simulate caffeine while simultaneously working on another Michigan-induced blackout.
Drink up. Death to the MAC.