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Your Friday Drinking Instructions Get At You On Snapchat

Yeah, Saturday was NOT good.

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

There's one picture that's been going around that sums up Michigan's season so far. It's a shot during the rain delay from the tunnel looking out onto the field into a nearly empty stadium. The rain is pouring and it's got so much metaporical and literal angst it's, well, dripping with it.

One time my friend -between the hours of 2am and 4am - drunkenly decided to Snapchat me almost the entirety of the movie Frozen, which is by all accounts an excellent movie. I woke up to 25+ video snaps of various scenes from the movie, which I had never seen - but by the end of that wonderful 10 minutes of video watching I felt intimately acquianted with some random characters singing at all times.

It was stupid and insane and wasted a ton of time but I enjoyed the shit out of it. It's like when you're done moving into a new place and at midnight when you're finally done collapsing onto your shitty Ikea half-bed EVERYTHING is funny. Those images brought me immense joy just from the sheer stupidity of it. I would honestly rather write 500 words about this than discuss the Utah game at all.

It's almost too dark to even go into it. Anyone who listened to this week's podcast (hey, we had callers!) knows how off the rails that thing got. Josh was pissed, I was pissed, I had a beer, Josh did not. Stay tuned for the conclusion to THAT saga. (Hint: I will get Josh to drink a beer on a podcast where we're actually supposed to drink beer. I made this rule, so I know it is accurate and enforceable) To bring the snapchat discussion full circle, I was super excited when The Brand decided that umichfootball would have a snapchat account because I'd see some intern taking grainy on-field video of dudes touching the banner. It was glorious while it lasted and conspicuously absent from my life last week. Guess I'm back to Frozen snippets.

By the way, Snapchat has been officially recongnized by the NCAA as a method of communicating with recruits. This is fucking awesome. I would really, really like to see what idiots like Hugh Freeze and technophobes like Nick Saban can do with their classically trained buffoonery. Send a dude 100 snaps of a flushing toilet? Sure. Send a recruit an artfully-constructed finger painting of your starter at his position getting eaten by a sharknado? Do it, you won't.

Snapchat has also been fairly active as a company with college football. Apparently you can send snaps of your GameDay experience to a pop-up receiver on gameday in college towns and snapchat will play them. Last week's edition was almost entirely a bunch of drunk FSU fratbros showing off their ability to spend $150 on approximately six truckloads of Keystone Light.

I actually went and recommended a really nice beer for you doofuses last week and guess what happened? Michigan got their asses kicked. So this week, I'm not recommending a beer, per se - I'm recommending a strategy. I have NO idea how Michigan is going to handle this mediocre Minnesota team AT HOME with a backup quarterback who completed ONE pass last week. I need to quit before this caps usage gets Threeting out of control.

Here's how to play Saturday in order to minimize drunken crying and maximize idiotic snapchats.

6am: Wake up. Remember Michigan's 2-2 and on a downward spiral to nowhere. Go back to bed.

11am: Need a ticket? Go get yourself a Coke. You'll have a ticket for yourself and for a friend! Plus a Coke!

1pm: Realize how delicious Coke is when mixed with ice. And by ice I mean any kind of spirit. Proceed accordingly.

2:30pm: That's probably enough. You've realized you won't be going to this game. It might rain or be 70 and beautiful. It's too late, though.

Kickoff: Start with something nice and light, like an Arrogant Bastard Double Bastard Ale. It'll ease you into your impending three hours of regret.


a) Michigan's winning. Ease up and enjoy a nice sipping beer, like any of the fine Oktoberfests on draught anywhere.

b) Michigan's scuffling or tied: Don't stop. Miley Cyrus is on her way to save you, and she's gonna hit you like a wrecking ball. And by Miley Cyrus I mean your EMERGENCY stash of Bells' HopSlam high-gravity shit you've got saved for this. Begin consuming immediately.

c) Michigan's losing: Probably bust out that second Coke bottle, mainline it, and then fill the bottle entirely with tears.

Post-game: At this point, I heavily recommend snapchatting every individual you can think of associated with the Program. We should start keeping a list. Don't worry, you'll know what to say.

Until next weekend, cheers, Michigan Faithful!