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What We Learned: Notre Dame

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We mostly learned that pain eventually goes away when you've reached a state of complete numbness, but football was played and I'm required to write about it.

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Let's get this over with already. I'm golfing this morning and need to get back to boozing to cover up my hangover.

The defense isn't quite what we made it out to be

Let me first say that Everett Golson is a rising star who's probably going to tear into his share of defenses as the season rolls on, so I haven't lost all hope when it comes to the defense. Most, but not all. And that's where the hope ends.

Michigan's defense wasn't dominant Saturday. The unit's best cover corner was turned into a pile of blubber while wearing Charles Woodson's jersey. The Irish started off by going after nickel Delonte Hollowell, then came to the conclusion that Blake Countess is both small and lacking in recovery speed. More than one of the completions thrown Countess' way were fit into tiny windows – again, Golson was monstrous – but it sure does feel like Countess is a poor fit for this aggressive scheme, which takes away from his ability to read routes in zone coverage and puts more pressure on his ability to stay on top of them. He failed with regularity on Saturday.

The defensive front seven wasn't a liability; Notre Dame only rushed for 54 yards. Hell, the defense only gave up 280 total yards. All that said, the unit was picked apart on a handful of methodical Notre Dame drives that took advantage of a mediocre pass rush and a secondary that just wasn't up to the task.

Michigan broke Devin Gardner

And this breaks my damn heart. Devin Gardner is an awesome student, an even better athlete and an even better human being. He deserves to play behind an offensive line that remembers to block Notre Dame's only disruptive defensive lineman. He deserves offensive calls that allow him to sling it deep to a wide receiver who's eight – yes, EIGHT – inches taller than the man guarding him.

He got neither Saturday, and he's only going to get the latter from here on out. Michigan's offensive line has been atrocious and is just now becoming below average. Gardner shakes nervously in the pocket before the damn pocket even begins to collapse. The innate 'quarterback clock' inside of Devin Gardner's mind has been stomped on by Darrell Funk and now runs at random intervals, and that saddens me because his potential was otherworldly.

Don't ever believe the hype again

Remember when Michigan was playing Michigan defense? Me too: in the spring and fall!

Remember when Michigan was going to put its play-makers in positions to make plays? Me too: in the spring and fall!

Michigan's defense gave up 31 points. Its offense targeted its best weapon such a few amount of times that Buckeyes were mocking Doug Nussmeier on Twitter.

Don't believe things Michigan coaches say.

Michigan remains far from legitimate

I typically write this at the end of the season, but I figured I would get it out of the way now and set the bar so low that Michigan can actually make it over.

The program somehow gave many of us the feeling that it was on the rise despite its recent struggles, but we were so very wrong. Brady Hoke's head is being called for by thousands of Michigan fans who aren't quick to pull the trigger, which is all you need to know at this point in time.

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Reviewing the Six-Pack

MICHIGAN LOST ALL OF THEM. LET'S BREAK THEM DOWN.

1. FRONT SEVEN VS. GOLSON

GOLSON WON.

2. COLE AND THE LINE VS. ELITE TALENT

THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO BLOCK SHELDON DAY. DAY WINS.

3. DEVIN FUNCHESS VS. CONSTANT DOUBLE TEAMS

LOLZ MICHIGAN STOPPED THROWING TO FUNCHESS AND THE MIDGET CORNER COVERING HIM DIDN'T EVEN NEED SAFETY HELP BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO THROW FUNCHESS THE MOTHERFUDGINNNGGGG BALL TO NEED HELP. DOUBLE TEAMS WIN.

4. SECONDARY VS. BUSTED COVERAGE

HAHAHAHAHA MAN DID YOU EVEN READ THE FIRST PART OF THIS ARTICLE? BUSTED.

5. GARDNER VS. INEVIT–

NOPE I'M DONE NOW.

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THE TAKEAWAY

DAVE BRANDON FOR PRESIDENT OF WHATEVER USA BECAUSE HE DESERVES TO DRINK BUD LIGHT FOR ETERNITY AND NO ONE CAN ACTUALLY LOCATE THAT STUPID FU************** PLACE ON A MAP I HOPE IT'S IN NORTHERN CANADA.