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58 Things I Hate About the Ohio State Buckeyes

Lance Gordon lives in enemy territory and deals with Buckeye Nation on a daily basis.

Joe Maiorana-USA TODAY Sports

1. They have a song about how they hate Michigan.

2. The song talks about how they don't care about Michigan, but the hilarious irony is that they say they don't care, but they went through the trouble of writing a song about it.

3. How annoying it is when they spell O-H-I-O. (But sometimes they screw it up)

4. And sometimes they do it in a totally tasteless way.

5. They are arrogant to believe the word "The" belongs to them.

6. They get mad about being called "Ohio", but their marching band spells "OHIO" every week.

7. This annoying superfan who always gets on TV.

8. And this one.

9. And let's not forget the super creepy one.

10. Fans line up in droves to embrace these weirdos and get their pictures taken with them, helping to elevate their celebrity status.

11. They also embrace people who were fired for cheating as heroes.

12. As well as people who were fired for punching opposing players.

13. Decades later, the fans haven't learned to treat opponents better.

14. And they treat coolers the same way, pooping in them.

15. Crossing out the letter "M" is one of the dumbest (duXbest?) things I've ever seen.

16. But if you're going to do it, at least get all of them (like the one in the ALL CAPS WORD "TEAMS")

17. The Evan Turner shot in March 2012 that ruined my afternoon.

18. Anthony Gonzalez's TD in 2005 that ruined a perfectly good upset.

19. The interception on the 2 point conversion that ruined an even better upset in 2013.

20. Casey Anthony is a huge fan.

21. Jeffrey Dahmer attended school there.

22. Cardale Jones plays football there, but doesn't play school there.

23. Andy Katzenmoyer played school...sort of.

24. They won 23 straight games, then lost the 24th, and suddenly have no appreciation of the 23 at all.

25. ESPN's love affair with Aaron Craft.

26. How their fans universally say "ESPN hates us, they're so biased against OSU", but every time you turn on ESPN, you'll see Joey Galloway, Chris Spielman, Robert Smith, Kirk Herbstreit, and formerly Urban Meyer.

27. How their fans used to hate Urban Meyer when he was at Florida and call him a slimeball, and defend him doing the exact same stuff at OSU.

28. The whole "It's (insert time here), and Michigan still sucks!" thing. (Or is it Xichigan?)

29. The time I was at Cedar Point with my son (age 6 at the time) in our Michigan shirts, and some OSU fan yelled "It's 7:15 and Michigan still sucks heh heh heh" toward us. However, that was a great way to ensure my son would remain a Michigan fan, despite growing up in Ohio. (I truly don't mind getting a hard time from OSU fans, but leave my first grader out of it, FTLOG)

30. How LeBron is embraced as the ambassador of OSU basketball and football, despite never attending college at all.

31. The urinals at the Horseshoe. They are built on a wall that stands about 4.5 feet high, and they are built back to back. That means you can see people across from you peeing at the same time. And that means if you're wearing opposing team gear, you get the catcalls and heckles from drunk OSU fans in a moment that should be very private. It's something I would never wish on anyone

32. Their AD Gene Smith is an ultra shady dude who somehow always keeps his job, despite his role in Tatgate and continually looking the other way when it comes time for player discipline.

33. You never see Jim Tressel and the Warden from Shawshank Redemption in the same place at the same time.

34. They were a 13-point favorite over MSU last week, Michigan needed them to win, and they choked. The one time we had to root for them, they lost, and we couldn't fully enjoy an OSU loss.

35. Aside from the SEC, they lead the entire country in pickup trucks with decals of Calvin peeing on things.

36. They not only let this creepy guy within 500 feet of their schools, they let him right in their classroom.

37. Michigan should have gone to the Rose Bowl in 1973, not Ohio State.

38. At my first Michigan game ever (Michigan-OSU in 1995), my dad and I were at the Big House, stuck behind 2 smelly OSU fans that weighed in at a combined half-ton or so. This repulsive experience was redeemed by the performances of Tshimanga Biakabutuka and Charles Woodson.

39. When their fans discount the all-time series record between Michigan and OSU because of "games played in the leather helmet days", but have no problem counting games played by ineligible players under Jim Tressel.

40. When their fans used Penn State's heinous infractions of a few years ago to say that their infractions weren't all that bad by comparison. As if that matters.

41. Their coach "had heart trouble" at Florida when things got tough, and somehow was miraculously healed a year later, to take over the reigns of an OSU team loaded with talent.

42. They have a history of losing big games on a national stage that bring embarrassment to the conference.

44. They are narcissistic enough to make a Michigan loss to another team about themselves, even in the form of t-shirts.

45. Many of them own Applachian State and even NJIT shirts. They are that obsessed with Michigan. (Don't worry, the irony of me saying they are obsessed during a "58 things I hate about OSU" piece is not lost on me)

46. Their stadium is literally shaped like a toilet bowl.

47. Their fans become Ohio state troopers that camp out close to the state borders and pick on drivers attempting to quickly flee the state borders. Even they know everyone wants to get out of Ohio as quickly as possible.

48. Their fans are attempting to keep the mullet alive.

49. Iconic Michigan play by play announcer Bob Ufer taught me to do so.

50. Their mascot is so annoying that other mascots can't resist beating him to a pulp.

51. Their fans are so obnoxious and crazy, that they ran Kirk Herbstreit out of their state for using objective analysis on ESPN.

52. Their fans attend games with their "guy on the side" and then get busted on TV.

53. They embrace the guy who flashed the double bird as he got ejected from the Big House, even in the form of t-shirts (as seen on Greg Oden here).

54. They lie about the stupidest stuff.

55. They aren't very friendly hosts.

57. Reason #56 has been vacated, just the 13 games OSU vacated for cheating during the Jim Tressel era.

58.They blame everyone but themselves for their problems.