Honey, what are you doing in there?
"Just catching up on Maize N Brew, sweetheart."
Did that weird kid who covers sports picks write about the Sun Belt this week?
"Not this week, sugar cakes."
Sheesh, thank you, it's about time he caught on that we hate reading about Arkansas State and Troy.
"It's worse. He's on to Conference USA."
Here lies Alex Kolodziej: he never watched a Power Five game.
Sugar cakes. That imaginary guy is so deep in the doghouse that his terms of endearment would make Cupid vomit.
Lock of the Week
Charlotte at Florida International (-19)
Check the title, skim the heading, hell, look at the cool picture I inserted. I'm going to begin my 200-word rant on why college football is frustrating, why I need to Skype some of these head coaches and drill some knowledge directly into their craniums.
Here's my letter to Florida International head coach Ron Turner:
I know we haven't spoken since I accidentally drowned your wife's blouse with remnants of my Svedka and Sprite. It had been a rough week, Dunkin accidentally put sugar in my coffee when I DIRECTLY told them "NO SUGAR," and I also watched the series finale of How I Met Your Mother. My condolences to the fullest extent.
So, we're sitting at 4-4 heading into Week 9, huh! Wow! Two wins and perhaps the guys can put on those clown shoes and go bowling? That's awesome! Well, hey, you have Western Kentucky and Marshall on the back end of the final four games. A 1-6 Florida Atlantic team next and 2-6 Charlotte on deck? Let's hope you don't let the Owls storm out to a 17-0 lead and watch a one-win team completely dismantle your postseason hopes.
I think we should get together soon, Ronald. Tell your suitor that I apologize once more. Since the mishap I've switched to malt liquor and Marlboro 27s. Things are looking up.
And what a massacre that game was. A lot further than the score indicated, but when a pair of clubs that have a combined three wins stand on the doorstep and guard your opportunity at playing at December, you have to seek that extra gear. FIU refrained from succeeding.
Instead, Florida International was completely handled by Chuck Partridge's Owls. In a Mario Kart 64 rendition, Florida International chose Peach. Florida Atlantic selected Toad. The Owls set a slew of bananas and upside-down question mark boxes around the course and snickered at every blunder.
So now that the Golden Panthers are seemingly cut from a bowl bid, the morale tapers and games become more of a chore than anything.
Charlotte is still making its way into a new conference. Playing devil's advocate, a program that has yet to really soak its feet in the FBS supplies a wide stretch of leeway. Still, it's a 49ers bunch that will look to play all four quarters. 19 points is a hell of a lot to cover, and I see motivation for the home squad plummeting near sea level.
Pick: Charlotte 49ers +19