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2016 All-America Name Team: Jake Butt Leads The Way

BYU v Michigan Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

Great players make great plays. Players with great names ... well, they just stand around being awesome, I guess.

So, to honor the ones who don’t necessarily dominate on the gridiron, we decided to put together our picks for this year’s All-Americans. Enjoy.

All-American First Team
Ironhead Gallon, Georgia Southern Jake Butt, Michigan Eddie McDoom, Michigan
L.A. Ramsby, Georgia Southern Edgar Allen Poe, Army Squally Canada, BYU
Kash Knutson, Texas Tech Lion King, EMU Calvin Throckmorton, Oregon
Jango Glackin, Northwestern Griffin King, Auburn

To be fair, I should say that while researching these guys to find awesome facts about them, I discovered that Ironhead’s first name is actually Deshawntee. But, he’s carried the nickname “Ironhead” ever since he was a little kid, to the point where most everything - including his ESPN page - just refers to him as Ironhead. It’s a cool name, to say the least, for a Division-I linebacker.

All-American Second Team
Equanimeous St. Brown, Notre Dame Man Berg, Illinois Messiah Rice, East Carolina
Mario Cherry, Georgia Southern Justice Bean, Texas A&M Hamp Cheevers, Boston College
Deion Hair-Griffin, North Texas Shy Tuttle, Tennessee Mark Uptegraff, North Carolina
Christian Gaylord, Nebraska Corn Elder, Miami

It’s too bad that quarterback-turned-slot receiver Deion Hair-Griffin didn’t end up at Northwestern, which he closely considered before choosing North Texas. Hair-Griffin threw 25 touchdown passes as a high school junior without one interception, and yet he’ll be transitioning to a position that utilizes his track star speed.

Also, Wikipedia is right: Justice Bean could actually refer to Henry or Robert Bean, who both served as Chief Justices on the Oregon Supreme Court. Here I was thinking of a justice bean.

NCAA Football: Toledo at Brigham Young
Taysom Hill hands off to Squally Canada. Canada has 124 yards on the year.
Chris Nicoll-USA TODAY Sports
All-American Third Team
Hercules Mata'afa, Washington State Jet Toner, Stanford Shattle Fenteng, Georgia
Lloyd Cushenberry III, LSU Chance Lytle, Colorado Jay Jay McCargo, UNC
Damore'ea Stringfellow, Ole Miss Dee Liner, Arkansas State Ray-Ray McCloud, Clemson
Maximilian Thrower, NIU Evan Butts, Virginia

You may remember Ray-Ray McCloud for drawing the ire of most everyone in college football when he continued the trend of dropping the football before scoring a certain touchdown. Sportscasters, writers, and casual fans took time out of their day to wonder what the $^&% he was doing and why people keep doing this. Also, thanks for starting it all, Brad Wing.

All-American Fourth Team
Kermit Whitfield, Florida State D.L. Knock, Ohio DiCaprio Bootle, Nebraska
Blaise Fountain, New Mexico Juan Day, Arkansas Bull Barge, South Alabama
Romeo McKnight, Iowa Elorm Lumor, Rutgers B.J. Hill, NC State
Reid Herring, East Carolina Noble Hall, SDSU

DiCaprio Bootle was a satellite camp find and a great story for Nebraska, while Elorm Lumor was Chris Ash’s first ever commit at Rutgers.

Kermit Whitfield is the real star here, though, both for that touchdown in the national title game against Auburn and for all the memes of him sipping tea.

Missed the cut: Will Flood, Woody Baron, Chase Forrest, Chase Napoleon, Andrew Parchment, Zykiesis Cannon, Byron Pringle, Gibby Gibson, Daric Whipple, Adrian Falconer, River Cracraft, Osiris Crutchfield, Clay Greathouse, Jordan Asberry, and DeDarallo Blue.

Okay, here’s an encore: Griffin Oakes, Edward Barksdale III, Winston DeLattiboudere, Hunter Register, Pooh Stricklin, Amen Ogbongbemiga, Sebastian Sock, Sam Walkingstick, Pookie Maka, Chaska Moon, Trey Dunkelberger, Weston Steelhammer, Warren Craft, Paris Black, Augustus Fortune, Olin Cushion III, and Kamalani Kaluhiokalani.