EXCLUSIVE: The Official Maize n Brew Responses to Rutgers' Secret Societies

If you haven't seen it yet, some wonderfully enlightened Rutgers students decided that enough was enough. The offseason was too boring. Too devoid of news. Too lacking in TAKES. So they put a stop to it. And the shockwaves are already resonating throughout college football. Life or death.

You did it, Rutgers. You broke our fast. Our seal. You have become our muse, our flame. Your infectious enthusiasm follows us wherever we go, from satellite camp to satellite camp.

All offseason we've sat here anxiously praying for Horseshoe beer sales, boned up on our poetry, lobbied for our blog to join the Big 12 as a full member, and binged on episodes of "General Hospital" just to find the energy to drink ourselves to sleep at night. With little or no news from our football team to carry our fanatical and certifiably insane fanbase throughout the day, we've become completely engrossed the drama of Matthew, Parker, Lyndon, Griffin, and there rest of the Baylor-quarterback-named cast of ABC's hit drama.

But today, our eyes were opened. And it's all thanks to you, Bloods of Bulls. I'm probably going to get in trouble for this because the families wanted a lot of this kept private. But it’s too important to not reveal. Welcome behind the curtain, kids.

Maize n Brew’s slack page, 6/8/16 12:45PM, in the midst of the staff’s daily chat during the morning’s four hour General Hospital block on Freeform.  We join our intrepid heroes during a shocking episode from 1994.

Shash, editor/beer laureate: GUYS! GUYS! You’ve all seen this thing that happened at Paramus Catholic, right?

Anthony Broome, managing editor: Not this shit again, Shash.

Peter Putzel, editor/general ne'er-do-well: What've you done this time?

Drew Hallett, editor/general counsel: Wait, no. The last time you did this you fooled us into thinking Maxie was dying. There’s no way she’d ever die. It’s basically a guarantee. She’s beloved and who would do that to a four year old?

Shash: Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, she's actually dying. I'm at the airport headed home and her dad is checking in next to me. HER DAD. You know the last time we saw him? Want me to Periscope it?

Broome: Don't do this. Please. You remember what happened when you told the internet not to tweet at recruits.

Scott Nichols, recruiting editor: No, Maxie's actually dying. I just saw a HayesFawcett edit posted by her mom. They've posted a top three for surgery options: the Mayo Clinic, the Cleveland Clinic, and Seattle General. They're trying to arrange visits as we speak.

Drew: From what I remember, her heart’s ORTG was jack shit. But again, I don’t think there’s any way this actually happens.

Zach Travis, editor emeritus and drinker of Heineken: Dude. She’s fucking four years old. She’s still six months away from receiving her Bama offer. Where’s she going to get a heart transplant?

Putzel: Oh shit, her dad’s coming to say goodbye, isn’t he? After all these years. It’s really happening. What else could bring him back?

Shash: On a related note: this is embargoed until tomorrow morning, but we’re breaking our first exclusive: As you know Maxie’s loved by a lot of people and people are lining up as donors. But we’ve got our first silent commitment for a brain donor. And get this - it’s a relative. It’s --

Drew: WAIT I just finished watching this insane chase on the 405 and OH HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THAT NOTRE DAME EQUIPMENT BUS COME FROM

Scott: Chase. Over. Splat.

Broome: Is that… cousin BJ? Under the bus? Poor Barbara Jean. I’m not sure we can run with any of this, guys. The mothership’s gonna have a coronary.

Putzel: That poor innocent woman.

Shash: Let’s go ahead and scratch that silent commit post.

Putzel: Looks like she’s just brain-dead. What a relief.

Broome: Guys, I think they've found a donor for Maxie!

Shash: Not… Barbara Jean’s heart…

Tony, BJ’s dad: I can hear my daughter’s heart beating right now. In my niece’s chest.

Zach: Wait, how did he get into this channel?

-- everything goes to black --

--- fast-forward a few hours. Slack still isn’t working. --

Broome (Later, via email): Geez. At this point, Slack completely wiped out on us. I’m not saying it crashed on purpose. But it was the most powerful thing I’ve ever seen.

Shash (also via email): Oh man. yeah. Absolutely. It transcended the entire show. And to see it happening in real time - we were truly blessed.

Putzel: Funny enough, I was just starting to get into that storyline.

Drew: Understandable, really. It’s top-notch writing.

Scott: Cynical as I may be, I was in tears.

Putzel: Keep ‘em coming, ABC.

Zach (actual gchat response):

ars

Putzel: On similar note, I’m out. Talk to y’all tomorrow.

Drew: Uh. The jinx… it’s alive....

Shash: Really, Drew? Bring that up now?

Drew: Some things can’t be helped.

Broome: Enough, guys. I need some more tissues.

Zach: Leave the poor family alone, Frank Valenti, you bastard.

Scott: Fortunately, at least I got an exclusive interview with Tony out of it. Check back tomorrow for the full interview - powerful stuff ($).