Hey! We’re doing a weekly satirical feature on Maize ‘n’ Brew! If you missed last week, here you go. Once again, this is satire, so it will be as informative as listening to the average Buckeye. You’ve been warned.
NSD Recap: Michigan Lands Tons Of Talent, Some Fans Vaguely Unimpressed
Ann Arbor, MI -- With the page finally turned on another recruiting class, Michigan fans got to revel in the fifth-best recruiting class in the nation*, with eight of the Pipeline 9 heading to Michigan, eleven early enrollees, and last-minute commitments from Oliver Martin, Aubrey Solomon, Nico Collins, and that punter guy. Still, while Michigan fans were definitely happy, some were a little bummed.
* The punter dropped us down? Really?
“We could’ve had Willie Gay! We could’ve had Isaiah Wilson! We could’ve had Najee Harris!” said one Michigan student who was interviewed in the undergrad library. The student asked for anonymity because he was plagiarizing an essay.
Other students who were reminded of Michigan’s near recruiting misses also found things to critique. “It’s been two years with Harbaugh and the offensive line still sucks giant monkey funyuns,” said one student who asked not to be named because there was a warrant out for his arrest, while holding his arms out wide as he spoke. “We should’ve focused on getting more five-star linemen. Is Joel Honigford going to fix our run game as a true freshman? Better question: is Priyanka Chopra as hot as Erin Andrews? No, and no.”
Even some of the U-M faculty had trouble hiding their disappointment with the top-five class. “What are we going to do at the Viper position?” said 28-year old nuclear philosophy professor Ho Lee Fukh. “Willie Gay was really important. Are we just gonna replace Jabrill Peppers with Josh Metellus and still hope to have the #1 defense next season? That would be like replacing anyone on earth with Phil Simms. Good luck with that.”
Still, a majority of fans expressed optimism. “This receiver class is going to kick some serious ass,” said Martin Luther King, Jr. “And if there’s one thing to be thankful for, also, it’s that MSU sucks.”
“Amen to that,” said someone nearby.
Big Ten Power Ranking: Penn State makes huge jumps after a month of not doing anything
State College, PA -- ESPN released a scintillating roundtable this week in which they ranked the football teams in the Big Ten, and the big news is that Penn State has jumped Michigan for the first time after a slow start to the off-season. This is their third edition of the off-season ranking.
“We really loved how Penn State was spending their time,” said Bill Hufferton, senior ESPN analyst and a connoisseur of Antarctic wines, “and we noticed that some of the Michigan players were playing Madden on Fridays. That’s no bueno.”
Several ESPN personalities had a hand in the ranking.
“Jim Harbaugh is such a lightning rod, such a lightning rod, I felt like they should be ranked 6th out of 14,” announced Stephen A. Smith. “But they’ll win a national title without a doubt!”
“Michigan, right now, is like the Boston Celtics. They’re collecting amazing athletes, but we just have to be patient,” said Bill Simmons. “Also, I don’t know how I even got involved with this, as I don’t work at ESPN anymore.”
“There is no way Michigan is worse than 3rd out of 14,” said the guy who works with ESPN’s most recent hot-take spewing machine, but is meant to be the “good cop” who says more reasonable things except when it comes to social justice or golf, “although with that said, their corners and the depth on the defensive line concern me.”
“You may be surprised to hear this, but I had Michigan 14th,” noted Paul Finebaum sagely.
Overall, ESPN’s takeaway was that Michigan has to coach up a lot of unproven players if it wants to overtake the Buckeyes and Nittany Lions next season.
“Dude, everybody already knew that,” said Neil Everett, before forgetting what he was doing.
Celebrating a slightly, teensy less than fantastic year for Michigan State football
Strictly the grid-iron, MI -- There were a lot of highlights for Michigan this past season, but a decent number of them Michigan fans just haven’t had a chance to enjoy. I’m talking, of course, about Michigan State’s 9 losses.
It’s completely understandable - that’s almost 30 hours of Michigan State suckage in an already busy autumn. Just like your favorite shows, sometimes you fall behind on some really good stuff out there.
But fear not - we’ll get you caught up on all the highlights you missed from Michigan State’s season. Here were some of my favorites.
L.J. SCOTT RUMBLES FOR THE ... OHH, THAT’S A FUMBLE
As losses go, 30-6 to Wisconsin wasn’t actually that bad. In retrospect, it was somewhat respectable. The really painful ones would be against Illinois and Northwestern.
WE’RE BACK IN THIS ONE, YESS! HEY, WHO’S TACKLING THAT GUY?
To their credit, they would only lose to Northwestern by 14. By the way, this was the fourth week in a 7-game losing streak.
MAKE SURE THEY CAN’T RUN STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE UNTOUCHED
Uh, you had one job, guys. This game would have to be the worst, in my mind - Illinois scored a go-ahead touchdown with 1:35 remaining, then MSU was forced to go for it on 4th and 2 inside the red zone. They didn’t get it. So close, guys.
JUSTIN JACKSON DOES THE EXACT SAME THING TWICE
Here’s a fun question: which was worse this year? The run defense, the pass defense, or the offense? The answer: yes.
MICHIGAN STATE’S BACK ON OFFENSE, WHAT’S UP THEIR SLEEVE?
Defenders, apparently. What a hit on the quarterback.
WHAT WERE THEY DOING??! PART 1
Guys, you can’t get any more open than that.
WHAT WERE THEY DOING??! PART 2
Oh, uh, never mind. Happy touchdowns, everyone!!
THIS WEEK’S TEAM IN PLAY: Brisbane Broncos
Surprising news came out this week that Harbaugh is considering leaving football to coach Australian rugby.
Apparently, the time he’s spent recruiting in Australia opened him up to the originally English sport, which he said has “really enjoyable competition, and just as much physicality as football, which is great to see.”
When asked about a possible move, Warde Manuel had nothing to say. The CEO of Australia’s National Rugby League, though, called it a dinky-di.
“Jim Harbaugh is a bottling dunny rat, no doubt,” Todd Greenberg said from his home in New South Wales. “I’d give it a burl, and if it turns out this whole thing was just a kangaroo running loose in the top paddock, she’ll be apples.”
Harbaugh agreed with what Todd said.
“My wife really loves the Brisbane area,” he added.