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Weekend Update: All The News Not Fit To Print

NCAA Football: Michigan State at Michigan Mike Carter-USA TODAY Sports

Hey! We’re doing a regular satirical feature on Maize ‘n’ Brew! My goal is to have a once-weekly run-down of all the headlines you mysteriously missed everywhere else, and I’ll also have a recurring gag at the bottom regarding our favorite Harbaugh pastime. Enjoy.

NCAA Basketball: NCAA Basketball: Final Four-Mark Emmert Press Conference
“Hey, I don’t know if I like this answering questions thing.”
Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports
NCAA stops bothering with pretense, bans Michigan from being successful

Indianapolis, IN -- With bowl season and National Signing Day now over, the NCAA is looking at addressing some of the biggest issues with college football - namely how few rules there are for programs and players. One of the rules passed this week, though, was unprecedented.

By a vote of 126-2, Division-I programs voted on Thursday to keep Michigan from being “annoyingly successful,” which NCAA president Mark Emmert later went on to clarify as, “anything that causes them to sing ‘The Victors.’” The only program that voted in Michigan’s defense, other than U-M, was Northwestern.

“We’ve all had some great discussions this off-season about how we can distract fans from the game of football,” Emmert said to reporters. “We feel this does that.”

He denied that this showed any bias in favor of the SEC, however. “It just means more,” he said.

Jim Harbaugh took some of the blame for this ruling, citing an undisclosed incident in 2011 between him and Greg Sankey. “I shook his hand too hard. I mean I really went in and it was strong and kind of a slap-grab-handshake. ... So, that was on me.”

Michigan’s AD, Warde Manuel, had no comment on the matter.

NFL: AFC Championship-Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots
“What’s that? Something in my teeth?”
Winslow Townson-USA TODAY Sports
Exclusive One-On-One Interview With Tom Brady

Houston, TX -- We caught up with the New England Patriots quarterback in an exclusive interview with Maize ‘n’ Brew.

Nick: Hey, Tom. Thanks for flying me down to Houston just to talk to you for 30 seconds.

Tom: Not a problem, glad to talk to a fellow Michigan alum.

Nick: So... DeflateGate. How much is that motivating you?

Tom: Not at all.

Nick: Is it driving you to win a Super Bowl? I mean, more than bolstering your legacy or being a natural competitor or for love of the game?

Tom: Nope.

Nick: Is it part of the reason why you chose to have a supermodel wife, lots of money and all that success? Just to stick it to Roger Goodell?

Tom: Uh, nope.

Nick: How many times have you been asked about DeflateGate?

Tom: 3,742.

Nick: That damn media, I’ll tell ya. Does that bother you?

Tom: You know, Nick, all your questions have been really stupid, but that one takes the cake.

Nick: Sorry, Tom. Say, last question - what’s your favorite cake flavor?

Tom: That would be chocolate.

Nick: And if DeflateGate were a kind of cake, what flavor would it be?

Tom: Alright, you’re done. Get out of here.

NFL: NFC Championship-Green Bay Packers at Atlanta Falcons
“Dude, look at these memes!”
Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports
Some Super Bowl Jokes!

Honolulu, HI -- While mourning my unsuccessful interview with Tom Brady, I hung out in Hawaii and thought up some jokes to make myself feel better. Here they are.

Did you know there are a half-dozen players on the Pats and Falcons who were once coached by Greg Schiano? It’s the closest Greg Schiano will ever come to coaching in the Super Bowl.

Did you know Purdue has more Super Bowl starters than Ohio State? Buckeye fans insist it’s because Urban Meyer is good enough to succeed in the NFL, but chooses not to.

What’s the difference between Atlanta’s pass defense and a rotting pickle? Atlanta doesn’t have to pay for the pickle.

Did you hear about Jamie Collins’ Super Bowl party? He’ll have crow as the main dish.

What’s Robert Kraft’s favorite kind of alcohol? Anything with hops.

Bill Belichick and Rob Gronkowski walk into a bar. They sit down and drink for a while, then Gronk says, “You know, I just noticed you’re still wearing that hoodie. Why do you wear that thing all the time?”

“Well, I have a confession to make,” said Bill. “I’m actually hiding Lord Voldemort under here.”

“Wait, seriously?” said Gronk. “Then, where’s Hermione?”

“Really - that’s your first question? Where’s Hermione?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say no to Padma Patil, either,” said Gronkowski, winking. Bill stared at him.

“Professor McGonagall?”

THIS WEEK’S TEAM IN PLAY: Oakland Raiders

In a stunning development, Ian Rapaport is now reporting that Jim Harbaugh will leave the Michigan Wolverines to coach the Oakland Raiders, taking over after a moribund 12-4 season with poor quarterback play led by Derek Carr.

“I want to extend our thanks to Jack Del Rio,” said Mark Davis, the team’s principal owner, “for doing a job not worth getting fired for. But after a game of Ouija and a few too many drinks, we decided this was the best way to go.”

There’s no word yet on who Harbaugh will hire as his coordinators, but Al Borges, Greg Robinson, and Cher are said to be candidates.